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The Ministry of Agriculture decreed that sparrows were a menace to the crops and should be exterminated. When this was done hoards of insects that the sparrows would have eaten descended on the harvest and began to ravage the crops, whereupon the Ministry of Agriculture came up with the idea of costly pesticides. The pesticides made the food expensive. They also made it a hazard to health. Too late it was discovered that it was the sparrows who, though feeding on the crops, managed to keep the f

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@petergec

7 months ago

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There is a story that before Moses led the people from the land of Egypt he was apprenticed to a great Master as a preparation for becoming a prophet. The first discipline that the Master imposed on Moses was that of silence. The two of them wandered through the countryside one day and Moses was so dazzled by the beauties of nature that he found it easy to be silent. But when they got to the bank of a river, he saw a child drowning on the other shore and its poor mother crying aloud for help. Mo

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@petergec

Old people are not lonely because they have no one to share their burden but because they have only their own burden to bear. An eighty-five-year-old woman was being interviewed on her birthday. What advice would she have for people her age, the reporter asked. “Well,” said the old dear, “at our age it is very important to keep using all our potential or it dries up. It is important to be with people and, if it is at all possible to earn one’s living through service. That’s what keeps us alive a

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A course on HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE was in progress. A young businessman was explaining to the class how he applied all the principles of the course in an encounter with a business prospect. And it worked marvellously-well, not quite! “I did everything I was told to do here,” he added. “I began by greeting him warmly,-then I smiled at him and asked him about himself. I paid the closest attention to everything he said. I went out of my way to agree with his views and told him ever

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@petergec

A young man in training to be a priest was told that what people expect of a priest is that he listen to their woes. Just listen, listen, listen... Maybe he wouldn’t be able to lend a helping hand, but he could always lend a sympathetic ear. So this is what he determined to do when he arrived at his first parish assignment. No matter how much the whole of him revolted, he forced himself to listen, listen, listen... and the people were most appreciative. But something seemed to be going wrong som

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@petergec

The story goes that a fire broke out in a house in which a man was fast asleep. They tried to carry him out through the window. No way. They tried to carry him out through the door. No way. He was just too huge and heavy. They were pretty desperate till someone suggested: “Wake him up, and then he’ll get out by himself.” Only sleepers and children need to be taken care of. Wake up! Or grow up! 🙂

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An enthusiastic young priest was appointed chaplain of a hospital. He was one day glancing through the admission cards of recently arrived patients and found one which stated that the patient was a Catholic. There was also a curious note affixed to that word: “Does not want to see a priest unless she is unconscious.” Something to ask yourself each time you think you need help or advice: “Am I sure I’m conscious?” 🙂

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A woman was leaning over the victim of a street accident and the crowd was looking on. Suddenly she was roughly pushed aside by a man who said, “Step back, please. I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman looked on for a few minutes while the man got busy with the victim. Then she said calmly, “When you come to the part where you have to send for the doctor, I’m already here?” Oftener than you imagine, the doctor is already there - inside the person you are attempting to help! So why bother w

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A group of newly arrived missionaries hired a native to take them for a canoe ride on the Congo. After a while they started hearing the steady beat of jungle drums. All along the route, at steady intervals, the sounds were repeated. “What are the drums saying?” asked one of the missionaries fearfully. The native guide listened to the drums and translated: “Drums say: Three white people. Very rich. Raise prices.” Saadi of Shiraj used to say: “No one learnt archery from me who did not, in the end

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Once upon a time God gave a party to all the virtues, great and small, humble and heroic. They all gathered together in a splendidly decorated hall in heaven and soon began to enjoy themselves because they were well acquainted with one another; some were even closely related. Suddenly God spotted two fair virtues who seemed not to know each other at all and were somewhat ill at ease in each other’s company. So He took one of them by the hand and formally introduced her to the other. “Gratitude.”

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Once upon a time there was an inn called THE SILVER STAR. The innkeeper was unable to make both ends meet even though he did his very best to draw customers by making the inn comfortable, the service cordial and the prices reasonable. So in despair he consulted a Sage. After listening to his tale of woe the Sage said, “It is very simple. You must change the name of your inn.” “Impossible!” said the innkeeper. “It has been THE SILVER STAR for generations and is well known all over the country.” “

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Thank God our motives in serving others are hidden from the public eye. The seaside concert was poor and got no reviews in the local papers. Attendance dropped sharply after the first performance. Yet one little man came every night and did not miss a single show. However, even his presence, gratifying as it was to the performers, could not keep the show afloat financially. On the last night the manager stepped before the curtain and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, before taking leave of you, we w

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I get a great kick out of serving you-but I still insist that you be grateful. A bejewelled dowager stepped out of a fashionable hotel in London where she had been dining and dancing all evening at a Charity Ball for the support of street urchins. She was about to get into her Rolls Royce when a street urchin walked up to her and whined, “Spare me sixpence, ma’am, for charity. I haven’t eaten for two days.” The duchess recoiled from the kid. “You ungrateful wretch!” she exclaimed. “Don’t you re

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“Wake up, sir!” says the nurse, shaking the sleeping patient. “What’s the matter? What’s gone wrong?” asked the startled patient. “Nothing, I just forgot to give you your sleeping tablets.” We had a fire at our home yesterday. Fortunately it was put out before the fire department could do any damage. 🙂

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@petergec

A woman member of the Ambulance Brigade was on first aid duty at the shore. She noticed many empty bottles scattered over a grassy spot and was afraid that people might inadvertently step on them and hurt themselves. So she put down her first-aid kit and started picking up the bottles. Then an elderly gentleman, distracted by what she was doing, tripped over her first-aid kit and hurt himself. 🙂

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One day Nasruddin asked a wealthy man for some money. “What do you want it for?” “To buy an elephant.” “If you have no money, you will not be able to maintain the elephant.” “I asked for money,” said Nasruddin, “not advice.” 🙂

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A beggar saw a banker coming out of his office and said. “Could you give me a dime, sir, for a cup of coffee?” The banker felt sorry for this man who looked bedraggled and distraught. He said, “Here’s a dollar. Take it and have ten cups of coffee.” The next day the beggar was there again at the steps of the banker’s office and as the banker came out he punched him. “Hey,” said the banker. “What are you doing?” “You and your lousy ten cups of coffee. They kept me awake the whole of last night!”

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A bird ate poisonous berries which did it no harm. One day it collected some for its meal and sacrificed a portion if its meal to feed its friend, a rabbit who not wishing to seem ungrateful, ate the berries and died. If the charge was one of breaking and entering with the intention of doing good, how many of us could plead not guilty? 🙂

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Long ago a rare bird, never seen before in China, alighted in the suburb of the capital city. The emperor was delighted. He ordered that food from his own table be offered to the bird and that his orchestra be brought in to play for its enjoyment. But the bird looked miserable and dazed. It refused to touch any of the food offered to it and, in a short time, contracted a sickness and died. 🙂

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A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down trying to ring a door bell. The poor kid was too small and the bell too high. So the priest went up and rang the bell for the little fellow. Then, turning to the kid with smile, he asked, “What do we do now?” The little fellow said, “Run like hell.” 🙂

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@petergec

According to the newspapers the heat wave was causing fainting spells, so the young lady was not surprised to see the middle-aged man next to her in church slump down towards the floor. Quickly she knelt down beside him, placed a firm hand on his head and pushed it down between his knees. “Keep your head down,” she whispered urgently. “You’ll feel better if you can get the blood into your head.” The man’s wife looked on convulsed with laughter and did nothing to help her husband or the young lad

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A commuter hopped on to a train at New York and told the conductor he was going to Fordham. “We don’t stop at Fordham on Saturdays,” said the conductor, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. As we slow down at Fordham station I shall open the door and you jump off. Make sure you’re running along with the train when you hit the ground or you’ll fall flat on your face.” At Fordham the door opened and the commuter hit the ground running forward. Another conductor, seeing him, opened the door and pulled h

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@petergec

Said a Colonial Governor to a native leader, “I deplore the oppression to which my people subject yours. You must help me solve the problem.” “Where’s the problem?” asked the leader. “Listen my dear fellow. If I had you tied to a stake and lit a fire around you, you would have a problem, wouldn’t you?” “Would I? If you got me released, all would be well. If you let me burn, I would die. And you would have the problem!” 🙂

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It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself. Nasruddin was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!” 🙂

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Once upon a time the members of the body were very annoyed with the stomach. They were resentful that they had to procure food and bring it to the stomach while the stomach itself did nothing but devour the fruit of their labour. So they decided they would no longer bring the stomach food. The hands would not lift it to the mouth. The teeth would not chew it; the throat would not swallow it. That would force the stomach into doing something. But all they succeeded in doing was make the body weak

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SERVICE A farmer, whose corn always took the first prize at the State Fair, had the habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighbourhood. When asked why, he said, “It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbours grow inferior corn the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best.” Ail that you give to others you are giv

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@petergec

To relate is to react. To react is to understand oneself. To understand oneself is to be enlightened. Relationships are schools for enlightenment. 🙂

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@petergec

In ancient India water used to be drawn out of wells by means of the Persian wheel, a convenient device whose only drawback was the great noise it made when in operation. One day a horseman happened to pass by a farm and demanded water for his horse. The farmer gladly put the Persian wheel in motion but the horse, unaccustomed as it was to the noise, wouldn’t come anywhere near the well. “Can’t you stop the noise so that my horse can drink?” asked the horseman. “I'm afraid that isn’t possible, s

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....or are they? A farm boy was so taciturn that his girl friend, after five years of courtship, decided that he was never going to propose to her and that she would have to take the initiative. One day when they were sitting alone in the garden, she said to him, “John, let’s get married. Shall we get married, John?” A long silence followed. Finally John said, “Yes.” Another long silence. Finally the girl said, “Say something, John. Why don’t you say something?’ “I’m afraid I’ve said too much

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@petergec

What price peace? Two hippies, feeling high, are strolling down the street. Another hippy, walking towards them, gently lifts his hand in greeting and says, “Hi there!” Four blocks later, one hippy turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought he’d never stop talking!” 🙂

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@petergec

“You look all in today, Jack, what’s the trouble?” “Well, I didn’t get home until morning and just as I was undressing, my wife woke up and said, ‘Aren’t you getting up pretty early, Jack?’ So, to avoid an argument, I put on my clothes and came back to work.” 🙂

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A farmer decided it was time he got married, so he saddled his mule and set off for the city to find himself a wife. In time, he met a woman he thought would make him a good wife and they were married. After the ceremony they both climbed on to the mule and started back for the farm. After a while the mule stopped and refused to move, so the farmer dismounted and beat the mule with a huge stick until it started to move again. “That’s one,” said the farmer. Some miles later the mule stopped again

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@petergec

A young woman called a Card Shop. “Do you remember those wedding cards I ordered last week? Well, I was wondering if it is too late to make a few changes in them.” “Give me the new information, lady, and I shall check.” said the shopkeeper. “O.K. It’s a different date, a different church and a different man.” It is quite impossible to be happily married to another if one does not first get a divorce from oneself. 🙂

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@petergec

Rare, indeed, is the relationship in which the other is not cultivated for what one can get for oneself. “I hear you have broken your engagement with Tom. What happened?” “Oh, my feelings towards him changed. That’s what happened.” “Are you going to return his engagement ring?” “Oh, no! My feelings towards the ring haven’t changed.” 🙂

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@petergec

“Darling,” says a woman to her husband at a party, “you had better not have any more drinks. You’re beginning to look blurred already.” 🙂

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@petergec

The defects we see in them are mostly our own. “Excuse me, sir,” said a timid student. “I couldn’t make out what you wrote on the margin of my last paper.” “I told you to write more legibly,” said the teacher. 🙂

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A friend asked Nasruddin for a sum of money. Nasruddin was convinced the money wouldn’t be returned. But since he did not want to offend the friend and the sum asked for was a small one, he gave him the money. To his great surprise, exactly one week after the loan was made the man returned the money. A month later he returned to ask for a slightly larger sum. Nasruddin refused. When the man asked why, he said, “Last time I did not expect you to return the money - and you let me down. This time I

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@petergec

We see them mostly through the spectacles of our preconceived notions. Boss: “You look exhausted. What happened?” Secretary: “Well, I... No, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” “Of course I would.” “No, you wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t.” “I really will believe you. I promise I will.” “Well, I worked too hard today.” “I don’t believe it.” 🙂

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Samuel was down in the dumps and who could blame him? His landlord had ordered him out of the apartment and he had nowhere to go. .Suddenly light dawned. He could live with his good friend Moshe. The thought brought Samuel much comfort, until it was assailed by another thought that said, “What makes you so sure that Moshe will put you up at his place?” “Why wouldn’t he?” said Samuel to the thought, somewhat heatedly, “After all it is I who found him the place he is living in now; and it was I wh

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@petergec

A woman was at her singing lessons. She had such a jarring voice that a neighbour could take it no more. He managed, finally, to summon up the courage to knock at her door and say, “Madam, if you don’t stop your singing I think I’ll go mad!” “What are you talking about?” said the woman. “I stopped two hours ago!” So sorry.’ It isn‘t you I am dealing with but an image in my head. 🙂

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A woman complained to a visiting friend that her neighbour was a poor housekeeper, “You should see how dirty her children are-and her house. It is almost a disgrace to be living in the same neighbourhood as her. Take a look at those clothes she has hung out on the line. See the black streaks on the sheets and towels!” The friend walked up to the window and said, “I think the clothes are quite clean, my dear. The streaks are on your window.” 🙂

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All too frequently, we see people, not as they are, but as we are. An active young woman showed signs of stress and strain. The doctor prescribed tranquillizers and asked her to report to him after a couple of weeks. When she came back he asked her if she felt any different. She said, “No, I don’t. But I’ve observed that other people seem a lot more relaxed.” 🙂

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The surest way to kill a relationship: insist on having things your way. Johnny was a sturdy, robust kid of three. He made friends with a Billy goat next door. Each morning he would pull up some grass and lettuce and take them over as breakfast for Billy. So deep was their friendship that Johnny would spend hours in Billy’s pleasant company. One day it occurred to Johnny that a change of diet would do Billy a lot of good. So he went to visit his friend with rhubarb instead of lettuce. Billy nib

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@petergec

Nasruddin’s wife wanted a pet, so she brought a monkey. Nasruddin wasn’t pleased. “What’s it going to eat?” he asked. “Exactly what we eat,” said the wife. “And where is it going to sleep?” “Right in bed with us.” “With us? What about the smell?” “If I can put up with it, I guess the monkey can too.” 🙂

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....and we hardly ever talk about the same things... “Darling,” said the wife, “I’m ashamed of the way we live. Father pays the rent of the house, brother sends us food and money for clothes, uncle pays our water and electricity bills and our friends provide us with tickets for the theatre. I’m not complaining, really, but do think we can do better.” “Of course we can,” said the husband. “I’ve been thinking about it myself lately. You’ve got a brother and two uncles who don’t send us a cent!”

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...but frequently, alas, we don’t even hear what the other is saying... It was their golden wedding and the couple were kept busy all day with the celebrations and the crowds of relatives and friends who dropped in to congratulate them. So they were grateful when, towards evening, they were able to be alone on the porch watching the sunset, relaxing after the tiring day. The old man gazed fondly at his wife and said, “Agatha, I’m proud of you!” “What was that you said?” asked the old lady. “You

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..nor put our own meaning into the other’s words... A reporter was interviewing a woman on her hundredth birthday. She seemed an extraordinarily vivacious sort of person who delighted in recalling her past. She had lived from the age of the covered wagon to the age of the supersonic jet; and she seemed eager to describe it all. When the interview was over she still seemed eager to talk, so the reporter tried to think up some question that would keep the conversation going. “Have you ever been b

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....nor assume that we know what the other is talking about... A storekeeper heard one of his salesman say to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.” Horrified at what he was hearing he rushed over to the customer as she was walking out and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” Then he drew the salesman aside and growled, “Never, never,

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..and not respond to what we assume the other said... The village drunkard staggered up Io the parish priest, newspaper in hand, and greeted him politely. The priest, annoyed, ignored the greeting because the man was slightly inebriated. He had come with a purpose, however, “Excuse me, Father,” he said, “Could you tell me what causes arthritis?” The priest ignored that too. But when the man repeated the question the priest turned on him impatiently and cried, “Drinking causes arthritis, that’s

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....and what the other wants... Two trucks were standing back to back and a truck driver was struggling to get a huge crate from one truck to the other. A passer-by, seeing his desperate situation, volunteered to help. So the two of them huffed and puffed and struggled for well over half an hour with no result at all. “I’m afraid it’s no use,” panted the passer-by. “We’ll never get it off this truck,” “Off!” yelled the driver. “Good God, I don’t want it off. I want it on!” 🙂

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...and refrain from deciding ahead of time what the other is talking about... A fourteen-year old boy announced at dinner one evening that he had been chosen to teach his class the next day. His father who was an expert in Instructional Methods for the military seized this wonderful occasion to give his son the benefit of his own training and experience. “This is the way we go about it in the army, son,” he said. “We first choose objectives made up of action, situation and level of performance.

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@petergec

When Calvin Coolidge was President of the United States, he saw dozens of people each day. Most had complaints of one kind or another. One day a visiting Governor told the President that he did not understand how he was able to meet so many people in the space of a few hours. “Why, you are finished with all your visitors by dinner time,” said the Governor, “while I am often in my office till midnight.” “Yes,” said Coolidge. “That’s because you talk.” 🙂

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RELATIONSHIPS Dialogue is the life-blood of a relationship. But the obstacles to dialogue are many- alas, and those who surmount them, few. Much is accomplished if, in the first place, we talk less and listen more... President Theodore Roosevelt had a passion for big-game hunting. When he heard that a famous British hunter was visiting the States he invited the man to the White House in the hope of getting some pointers from him. After a two-hour meeting at which the two of them were closeted

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A reporter was sent out to get the opinion of the man in the street about modern woman. The first person he ran into was a man who had just celebrated his one-hundred-and-third birthday. “I’m afraid I won’t be of much help to you, son,” said the old man regretfully. “I quit thinking about women nearly two years ago!” 🙂

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Two little boys met. “How old are you?” “I’m five. How old are you?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know how old you are?” “Nope.” “Do women bother you?” “Nope.” “You’re four.” 🙂

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A fellow went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as a workaholic. So he had to take a second job to pay for the therapy. 🙂

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...or intensify it.” Doctor to patient: “I’ve been treating you for guilt for the past ten years, and you are still feeling guilty about a trifle like that? You ought to feel ashamed of yourself!” 🙂

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@petergec

...I can only exchange it for another... Soon after World War II a London bus conductor noticed a passenger with a heavy parcel on his lap. “What’s that you have there?” he asked. “An unexploded bomb that fell near my house. I’m taking it to the police station.” “Good God! You don’t want to carry a thing like that on your lap man! Put it under your seal!” (The solution to a problem, changes the problem.) 🙂

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@petergec

The chief executive of a large company was greatly admired for his energy and drive. But he suffered from one embarrassing weakness: each time he entered the president’s office to make his weekly report, he would wet his pants! The kindly president advised him to see a proctologist. When he appeared before the president the following week his pants were still wet! “Didn’t you see the proctologist?” asked the president. “No. He was out. I saw a psychologist instead. I’m cured. I no longer feel em

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@petergec

The captain of a submarine, desiring to test his engine room, asked for top speed, then suddenly ordered an emergency stop. His orders were instantly obeyed. The public address system was turned on. “This is the captain speaking. Well done, engine room. You stopped the sub in exactly 55.05 seconds.” Soon another voice boomed, “This is the chef. The sub may have stopped, but your steak and potatoes kept going. Cold dinner for everyone tonight!” 🙂

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@petergec

...of their achievements! A missionary, somewhere in the tropics, decided to impress his parishioners by taking some of them for a ride in a plane. The plane glided over their villages and hills and forests and rivers. Occasionally they would look out of their windows but on the whole they did not seem to be one bit impressed. Back on the ground his flock trooped out of the plane without a word of comment. Anxious to get some response, the missionary exclaimed, “Wasn’t it wonderful? Think of wh

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...and how proud they feel-generally for the wrong reasons -... Friends of composer, George Gershwin, attempted to convey to his father the fact that “Rhapsody in Blue” was a work of genius. “Of course, it is,” said the old man. “It takes fifteen minutes to perform, doesn’t it?” 🙂

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A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who had shared the ordeal with him. “Have you forgiven the Nazis?” he asked his friend. “Yes.” “Well, I haven’t. I’m still consumed with hatred for them.” “In that case,” said his friend gently, “they still have you in prison.” ...(our enemies are not those who hate us but those whom we hate),.. 🙂

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@petergec

The man was a regular customer and the management did its best to please him. So when he complained one day that only one piece of bread was being given him with his meal, the waiter promptly brought him four slices. “That’s good,” he said, “but not good enough. I like bread-plenty of it.” So the next night he was given a dozen slices, “Good,” he said. “But you’re still being frugal, aren’t you?” Even a basketful of slices on the table next day did not stop his complaints. So the manager decided

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...and their emotions... A passenger on a train was giving the dining car waiter his order. “For dessert,” he said, “I’ll have tarts and ice-cream.” The waiter said they had no tarts. The man exploded. “What? No tarts? That’s absurd. I am one of the biggest customers this rail board has. Each year I organize trips for thousands of tourists and I have hundred of tons of freight transported on it. And when I myself travel on the line I cannot get a simple thing like tarts! ‘I’ll take this up with

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A man in Russia took his wife with him into the forest, supposedly to hunt for wolves. But when the wolves came, he ran away and abandoned her to them. The next morning he put a wreath on his door and went into mourning-but not for long, because he had a lover whom he married six months later. The night of the wedding his former wife appeared to him at night crying, “Help! Help! Help!” To his amazement, his new wife saw and heard nothing. Each night the woman would return and scream for help, ti

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@petergec

It is just as astonishing to see the use they make of their imagination..,.. “If you ever marry or take a mistress after I am gone I shall return to haunt you,” said a dying woman to her husband. So when he fell in love again some months after his wife’s death he was horrified, but not surprised, to see her ghost walk into the house that night and accuse him bitterly of infidelity. This went on night after night till he could take it no more and went to consult a Zen Master who said, “What make

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@petergec

When a man returned from the large city to the ‘village of his boyhood years, one of the neighbours said to him, “I suppose you know that old farmer Smith lost his farm?” “No. What happened?” “Well, one day he got the idea that his neighbour’s fence was five feet into his land. He took to brooding over it. Finally he went to see a lawyer telling him he thought this was encroachment. Well, the lawyer thought so too!” Voltaire says, “I have never been ruined out but twice: once when I lost a laws

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@petergec

Two prospective buyers walked into a used-car lot and began to look around- The attendant began his sales talk when one of them produced a card which said, “Sorry, we’re deaf-mutes.” So the salesman pulled out a pad and began to jot down, for their benefit, all the advantages of any car they showed interest in. They finally settled on a neat little Volkswagen. They took it round the block on a trial run and seemed so pleased that the sale was as good as made. But when they got back to the lot, t

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@petergec

A couple were wondering how to dispose of five attractive puppies they had just acquired. The man drove all around town attempting to give them away but no one would have them. They announced over the local radio that they had pedigree puppies to give away. No one seemed interested. Finally a neighbour advised them to advertise. They went back to announce on the radio that they would sell the pups at twenty-five dollars each. Before the day was out every one of the puppies had been sold! 🙂

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A man in Las Vegas approached a wealthy-looking stranger and said. “Can you spare me twenty-five dollars, sir? I haven’t eaten for two days and I have no place to sleep.” “How do I know you won’t take the money and gamble with it?” “No way,” said the man. “Gambling money I already have with me.” 🙂

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@petergec

A man at a bar turned to the stranger sitting next to him and said, “I just don’t understand it. All it takes is one little drink, just one little drink to make me drunk. “Really? Just one?” ‘Yes. And it is generally the eighth-one. 🙂

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@petergec

A reporter asked several people in a small town if they knew the mayor. “He’s a liar and a cheat,” said the gas station attendant. “He’s a pompous ass,” said the schoolteacher. “Never voted for him in my life,” said the druggist. “Most corrupt politician I’ve ever known,” said the barber. When the reporter finally met the mayor he asked him what kind of salary he received. “Good heavens, I don’t get any salary,” said the mayor. “Then why did you take the job?” “For the honour.” 🙂

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@petergec

They pride themselves on their reasonableness - which they then proceed to demonstrate in astonishing ways: A Governor was visiting a state penitentiary and talking to a tramp who had asked for a pardon. “What’s the matter with this place? You’re more comfortably lodged here than you have ever been, aren’t you?” “Yes sir,” was the reply. “But I still want to gel out.” “Don’t they feed you well?” “They certainly do. That isn’t it.’ “Then what is it?” “Well, sir, there’s only one objection I have

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@petergec

...well, sometimes, anyway. A man said to his parish priest, “My dog died yesterday, Father. Could you offer a Mass for the repose of his soul?” The priest was outraged. “We don’t offer Masses for animals here,” he said sharply. “You might try the new denomination down the road. They’ll probably pray for your dog.” “I really loved that little fellow,” said the man. “And I’d like to give him a decent send-off. I don’t know what it is customary to offer on such occasions, but do you think five h

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@petergec

A Russian Workers Delegation was visiting a factory in Detroit. The leader asked the foreman how many hours an American worker worked each week. “Forty,” said the foreman. The Russian shook his head. “In my country,” he said, “the average worker works sixty hours a week.” “Sixty hours?” exclaimed the foreman. “You’d never get the men in this factory to work that much. They’re a bunch of Commies!” 🙂

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@petergec

..or labels... Issac Goldstein ran into a cousin of his in New York. “How are things with you?” he asked. “Haven’t you heard?” asked the cousin. “I’m a partner in the firm of Goldstein and Murphy.” “Goldstein and Murphy? Now isn’t that wonderful! That’s what America is all about: people of different nationalities doing business in partnership. But to you I’ll confess it is something of a surprise.” “You call that a surprise? Well, I’ve got a bigger surprise for you. I’m Murphy!” 🙂

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@petergec

A little black boy was watching the balloon man at the Country Fair. The man was evidently a good salesman, because he allowed a red balloon to break loose and soar high up in the air, thereby attracting a crowd of prospective young customers. Then he released a blue balloon, then a yellow one and a white one. They all went soaring up into the sky until they disappeared. The little black boy stood looking at the black balloon for a long time, then asked, “Sir, it you sent the black one up would

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@petergec

...or appearances... A little girl, who had been told that Lincoln wasn’t very good-looking, was taken by her father to see the President at the White House. Lincoln took her on his knee and chatted with her for a while in his gentle, humorous way. Suddenly the little girl called out, “Daddy! He isn’t ugly at all. He’s just beautiful!” 🙂👇

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@petergec

.....or rigid principles... Two game-hunters were involved in a lawsuit against each other. One of them asked his lawyer if it wouldn’t be a good idea to send the judge a brace of partridges. The lawyer was horrified. “This judge prides himself on his incorruptibility,” he said. “A gesture like this will have just the opposite effect from the one you intend.” After the case was over-and won-the man invited his lawyer to dinner and thanked him for the advice concerning the partridges. “I did sen

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@petergec

Instead of touching reality they respond to stereotypes... At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him pointed to the soup and asked, somewhat condescendingly, “Likee soupee?” The Chinese gentleman nodded eagerly. A little later, it was, “Likee fishee” and “Likee meatee’ and “Likee fruitee”-and always the response was an affable nod. At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speake

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@petergec

...and programmed responses. A scientist had spent ten years researching the possibility of transforming water into petroleum. He was convinced that all he needed was one substance to effect the needed transformation but, try as he might, the formula eluded him. One day he learnt that high up in the mountains of Tibet there lived a Lama who was all-knowing and could reveal to him the formula he sought, There were three conditions, however: he had to travel there alone, and the journey was hazar

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@petergec

Examine what they are pleased to call their free and responsible behaviour, and you are likely to find, not conscious action, but mechanical movement... It is said that when the Great Library of Alexandria was burnt down, only one book survived. It was a very ordinary book, dull and uninteresting so it was sold for a few pennies to a poor man who barely knew how to read. Now that book, dull and uninteresting as it seemed, was probably the most valuable book in the world for on the inside of the

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@petergec

A young man blind from birth, fell in love with a girl. All went well until a friend told him the girl wasn’t too good looking. At that minute he lost all interest in her. Too bad! He had been “seeing” her very well. It was his friend who was blind! 🙂

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@petergec

What they love or hate is not the essence of things or persons but only their configuration. A young boy developed what could only be called a sandwich phobia. Any time he saw a sandwich he would tremble and scream with fear. His mother was so upset about this, she took him to a therapist who said, “The phobia is easily removed. Take the lad home and let him see you make a sandwich from beginning to end. This will dispel any silly notions he has about a sandwich and he’ll stop trembling and scr

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@petergec

Two gentlemen of unsteady gait waited impatiently at the bus terminal late at night long after the buses had ceased to ply. A couple of hours passed before they realised, in their drunken stupor that the last bus had gone. Seeing several buses parked at the depot, they decided to borrow one and drive themselves home. To their disappointment, they couldn’t find the bus they wanted. “Can you believe it?” said one. “A hundred buses and not a single number 36 in the whole lot!” “Never mind!” said th

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@petergec

The walls that imprison them are mental, not real. A bear paced up and down the twenty feet that was the length of his cage. When, after five years, the cage was removed, the bear continued to pace up and down those twenty feet as if the cage was there. It was. For him! 🙂

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@petergec

Their culture and their conditioning offer them an “elevator existence.” The impatient dowager pressed the elevator button and fumed because it did not appear at once. When it finally did, she snapped at the operator, “Where have you been?” “Lady, where can you go in an elevator?” 🙂

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@petergec

They see, not what is there but what they have been trained to see. Tommy had just got back from the beach. “Were there other children there?” asked his mother. “Yes,” said Tommy. “Boys or girls?” “How could I know? They didn’t have any clothes on.” 🙂

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@petergec

Pestilence was on its way to Damascus and sped by a chief’s caravan in the desert. “Where are you speeding to?” asked the chief. “To Damascus. I mean to take a thousand lives.” On its way back from Damascus, Pestilence passed by the caravan again. The chief said, “It was 50,000 lives that you took, not a 1,000.” “No,” said the Pestilence. “I took a thousand. It was Fear that took the rest.” 🙂

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@petergec

HUMAN NATURE Human beings react, not to reality, but to ideas in their heads... A group of tourists, stranded somewhere in the countryside, were given old rations to eat. Before eating the food they tested it by throwing some of it to a dog who seemed to enjoy it and suffered no after effects. The following day they learnt that the dog had died. Everyone was panic-stricken. Many began to vomit and complained of fever and dysentery. A doctor was called in to treat the victims for food poisonin

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@petergec

There was once a very austere man who let no food or drink pass his lips while the sun was in the heavens. In what seemed to be a sign of heavenly approval for his austerities a bright star shone on top of a nearby mountain, visible to everyone in broad daylight, though no one knew what brought the star there. One day the man decided to climb the mountain. A little village girl insisted on going with him. The day was warm and soon the two were thirsty. He urged the child to drink but she said sh

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@petergec

When Buddha first embarked upon his spiritual quest he practised many austerities. One day two musicians happened to pass by the tree under which he was sitting in meditation. One was saying to the other, “Do not tighten the strings of your sitar too much or they will snap. Do not keep them too loose either or they will produce no music. Keep to the middle path.” Those words hit Buddha with such force that they revolutionized his whole approach to spirituality. He was convinced they had been sai

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@petergec

The devotee knelt to be initiated into discipleship. The guru whispered the sacred mantra into his ear, warning him not to reveal it to anyone. “What will happen if I do?” asked the devotee. Said the guru, “Anyone you reveal the mantra to will be liberated from the bondage of ignorance and suffering, but you yourself will be excluded from discipleship and suffer damnation.” No sooner had he heard those words than the devotee rushed to the marketplace, collected a large crowd around him and repea

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@petergec

An old woman in China supported a monk for more than twenty years. She built him a little hut and fed him while he spent all his time in meditation. At the end of this period she wondered what progress the man had made, she decided to put him to the test by enlisting the help of a girl aflame with desire. “Go into the hut,” she told the girl,” and embrace him. Then say, ‘What shall we do now?’” The girl called on the monk at night to find him at his meditation. Without further ado she began to c

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@petergec

Disciple: “What is the Tao?” Master: “Everything is Tao.” Disciple: “How can I get it?” Master: “If you try to get it, you will miss it.” No one is ever natural who tries to be natural; or tries not to try!

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@petergec

An American preacher in Beijing asked the waiter in a restaurant what Religion was for the Chinese. The waiter took him out to the balcony and asked, “What do you see, sir?” “I see a street and houses and people walking and buses and taxis plying.” “What else?” “Trees.” “What else?” “The wind is blowing.” The Chinese extended his arms and exclaimed, “That is Religion, sir!” . You’re searching for it the way someone searches for sight with open eyes! It Is too clear that it is hard to see. 🙂

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@petergec

A young man came to a Master and asked, “How long is it likely to take me to attain enlightenment?” Said the Master. “Ten years.” The young man was shocked. “So long?” he asked incredulously. Said the Master, “No, that was a mistake. It will take you twenty years.” The young man asked, “Why did you double the figure?” Said the Master, “Come to think of it, in your case it will probably be thirty.” Some people will never learn anything because they grasp everything too soon. Wisdom, after all, i

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@petergec

A young business executive phoned his foreign representative one day and tersely announced: “I am calling to give, instructions. This call will last no more than three minutes. I shall speak and you are not to interrupt. Any comments or queries you have are to be cabled to me later.” With that he went on to deliver his message. His delivery was so rapid that he finished a little ahead of time. “We have twenty seconds left,” he told the man at the other end. “Have you anything to say?” “Yes,” cam

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@petergec

A visitor to an insane asylum found one of the inmates rocking back and forth in a chair cooing repeatedly in a soft, contented manner, “Lulu, Lulu...” “What’s this man’s problem?” he asked the doctor. “Lulu. She was the woman who jilted him,” was the doctor’s reply. As they proceeded on the tour they came to a padded cell whose occupant was banging his head repeatedly against the wall and moaning, “Lulu, Lulu...” “Is Lulu this man’s problem too?” asked the visitor. “Yes,” said the doctor. “He’s

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@petergec

Buddha was once threatened with death by a bandit called Angulimal. “Then be good enough to fulfil my dying wish,” said Buddha- “Cut off the branch of that tree-” One slash of the sword, and it was done! “What now?” asked the bandit. “Put it back again,” said Buddha. The bandit laughed. “You must be crazy to think that anyone can do that.” “On the contrary, it is you who are crazy to think that you are mighty because you can wound and destroy. That is the task of children. The mighty know how to

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@petergec

One day Hasan of Basra saw Rabi’a al Adawiya near the riverside. Casting his prayer mat on the water he stepped on to it and said, “O Rabi’a, come let us pray together.” Rabi’a said, “O Hasan, why have you set yourself up like a salesman in the bazaar of this world? You do this because of your weakness.” With that she threw her prayer mat into the air, flew up on to it and said, “Come up here, Hasan, so that people may see us,” But that was more than Hasan could accomplish, so he was silent. Rab

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@petergec

Two inmates of a deaf-and-dumb institution had a quarrel. When an official came to straighten things out between them he found one of the men standing with his back to the other, shaking with laughter. “What’s the joke? Why is your partner here looking so angry?” the official asked, speaking with his fingers. “Because,” the mute replied, also with the fingers, “he wants to swear at me but I refuse to look!” 🙂

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@petergec

Buddha seemed quite unruffled by the insults hurled at him by a visitor. When his disciples later asked him what the secret of his serenity was, he said: “Imagine what would happen if someone placed an offering before you and you did not pick it up. Or someone sent you a letter that you refused to open; you would be unaffected by its contents, would you not? Do this each time you are abused and you will not lose your serenity.” The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not dimi

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@petergec

A man and his wife went to visit friends in another part of the country and were taken to a racecourse. Fascinated by the sight of horses chasing one another round a track, the two of them kept betting all evening till they had no more than two dollars left. The following day the man prevailed upon his wife to let him go to the course alone. There was a horse with a fifty-to-one odds on it in the first race. He bet on the horse and it won. He put all the money he won on another long shot in the

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@petergec

King Pyrrhus of Epirus was approached by his friend Cyneas and asked, “If you conquer Rome, what will you do next, sir?” Pyrrhus replied. “Sicily is next door and will be easy to take.” “And what shall we do after Sicily is taken?” “Then we will move over to Africa and sack Carthage.’ “And after Carthage, sir?” “The turn of Greece will come. “And what, may I ask, will the fruit of all these conquests be?” “Then,” said Pyrrhus, “we can sit down and enjoy ourselves.” “Can we not,” said Cyneas, “en

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@petergec

A Quaker had this sign put up on a vacant piece of land next to his home: THIS LAND WILL BE GIVEN TO ANYONE WHO IS TRULY SATISFIED. A wealthy farmer who was riding by stopped to read the sign and said to himself, “Since our friend the Quaker is so ready to part with this plot I might as well claim it before someone else does, I am a rich man and have all I need, so I certainly qualify.” With that he went up to the door and explained what he was there for. “And is thee truly satisfied?” the Quake

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@petergec

One of Junaid’s followers came to him with a purse full of gold coins. “Have you any more gold coins?” asked Junaid. “Yes, many more.” ‘And you are attached to them?” ‘’I am.” “Then you must keep this too, for your need is greater than mine. Since I have nothing and desire nothing I am much wealthier than you are, you see.” The heart of the enlightened is like a mirror: It grasps nothing, refuses nothing; it receives but does not keep. 🙂

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@petergec

The great Buddhist saint Nagarjuna moved around naked except for a loin-cloth and, incongruously, a golden begging-bowl gifted to him by the king who was his disciple. One night he was about to lie down to sleep among the ruins of an ancient monastery when he noticed a thief lurking behind one of the columns. “Here, take this,” said Nagarjuna, holding out the begging bowl. “That way you won’t disturb me once I have fallen asleep.” The thief eagerly grabbed the bowl and made off - only to return

@petergec

A monkey and a hyena were walking through the forest when the hyena said, “Each time I pass by those bushes there a lion jumps out of them and mauls me. I don’t know why.” “I’ll walk with you this time,” said the monkey, “and side with you against the lion.” So they started to walk past the bushes when the lion pounced on the hyena and nearly mauled it to death. Meanwhile the monkey watched the proceedings from the safety of a tree that he had run up the moment the lion had appeared. “Why didn’t

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@petergec

When Buddha entered the capital of King Pransanjit, the King in person came out to him. He had been a friend of Buddha’s father and had heard of the lad’s renunciation. So he attempted to persuade Buddha to give up his life as a wandering beggar and return to the palace, thinking he was doing a service to his old friend. Buddha looked into the eyes of Prasanjit and said, “Answer me truthfully. For all your outer merriment, has your kingdom brought you a single day of happiness?” Prasanjit lowere

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@petergec

The guru sat in meditation on the river bank when a disciple bent down to place two enormous pearls at his feet, a token of reverence and devotion. The guru opened his eyes, lifted one of the pearls and held it so carelessly that it slipped out of his hand and rolled down the bank into the river. The horrified disciple plunged in after it but, though he dived in again and again till late evening, he had no luck. Finally, all wet and exhausted, he roused the guru from his meditation: “You saw whe

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@petergec

People have been known to make a rich life for themselves and others with very few possessions. There was a group of elderly gentlemen in Japan who would meet to exchange news and drink tea. One of their diversions was to search for costly varieties of tea and create new blends that would delight the palate. When it was the turn of the oldest member of the group to entertain the others, he served tea with the greatest ceremony, measuring out the leaves from a golden container. Everyone had the h

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@petergec

True philosopher that he was, Socrates believed that the wise person would instinctively lead a frugal life. He himself would not even wear shoes; yet he constantly fell under the spell of the marketplace and would go there often to look at all the wares on display. When one of his friends asked why, Socrates said, “I love to go there and discover how many things I am perfectly happy without.” Spirituality is not knowing what you want but understanding what you do not need. 🙂

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@petergec

A rich Muslim went to the mosque after a party and had to take off his expensive shoes and leave them outside the mosque. When he came out after prayer the shoes were gone. “How thoughtless of me,” he said to himself. “By foolishly leaving those shoes here I was the occasion for someone to steal them. I would have gladly given them to him. Now I am responsible for creating a thief.” 🙂

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@petergec

There was an old Zen Master called Nonoko who lived alone in a hut at the foot of a mountain. One night while Nonoko was sitting in meditation a stranger broke into the hut and, brandishing a sword, demanded Nonoko’s money. Nonoko did not interrupt his meditation while he addressed the man: “All my money is in a bowl on the shelf up there. Take all you need, but leave me five yen. I have to pay my taxes, next week.” The stranger emptied the bowl of all the money it held and threw five yen back i

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@petergec

Here is a story a Master told his disciples to show what damage a single trifling attachment can do to those who have become rich in spiritual gifts: A villager was once riding past a cave in a mountain at the precise moment when it made one of its rare magical appearances to all who wished to enrich themselves from its treasures. He marched into the cave and found whole mountains of jewels and precious stones that he hurriedly stuffed into the saddlebags of his mule, for he knew the legend acco

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@petergec

And Buddha said: “This land is mine, these sons are mine,”-such are the words of the fool who does not understand that even he is not his. You never really possess things, You merely hold them for a while. If you are unable to give them away you are held by them. Whatever you treasure must be held in the hollow of your hand as water is held. Clutch at it and it is gone. Appropriate it to yourself and you soil it. Set it free and it is forever yours. 🙂

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@petergec

The Indian mystic Ramakrishna used to say: God laughs on two occasions. He laughs when he hears a physician say to a mother, “Don’t be afraid, I shall cure the boy.” God says to himself, “I am planning to take the life of the child and this man thinks he can save it!” He also laughs when he sees two brothers divide their land by means of a boundary line saying, “This side belongs to me and the other side to you.” He says to himself, “The universe belongs to me and they claim to own portions of i

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@petergec

A miser had accumulated five hundred thousand dinars and looked forward to a year of pleasant living before he made up his mind how best to invest his money, when suddenly the Angel of Death appeared before him to take his life away. The man begged and pleaded and used a thousand arguments to be allowed to live a little longer, but the Angel was obdurate. “Give me three days of life and I shall give you half my fortune,” the man pleaded. The Angel wouldn’t hear of it and began to tug at him, “Gi

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@petergec

A Sufi of forbidding appearance arrived at the doors of the palace. No one dared to stop him as he made his way right up to the throne on which the saintly Ibrahim ben Adam sat. “What is it you want?” asked the king. “A place to sleep in this caravan serai.” “This is no caravanserai. This is my palace. “May I ask who owned this place before you?” “My father. He is dead.” “And who owned it before him?” “My grandfather. He is dead too.” “And this place where people lodge for a brief while and mov

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@petergec

Two jewel merchants arrived at a caravan sarai in the desert at about the same time one night. Each was quite conscious of the other’s presence and, while unloading his camel, one of them could not resist the temptation to let a large pearl fall to the ground as if by accident. It rolled in the direction of the other who, with affected graciousness, picked it up and returned it to its owner saying, “That is a fine pearl you have there, sir. As large and lustrous as they come.” “How gracious of y

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@petergec

A reporter was attempting to get an interesting story out of a very, very old man in a government-run home for the aged. “Grandpa,” said the young reporter, “how would you feel if you suddenly got a letter telling you that a distant relative had left you ten million dollars?” “Son,” said the old man slowly, “I would still be ninety-five years old, wouldn’t I?” 🙂

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@petergec

A miser hid his gold at the foot of a tree in his garden. Every week he would dig it up and look at it for hours. One day a thief dug up the gold and made off with it. When the miser next came to gaze upon his treasure all he found was an empty hole. The man began to howl with grief so his neighbours came running to find out what the trouble was. When they found out one of them asked, “Did you use any of the gold?” “No.” said the miser. “I only looked at it every week.” “Well, then.” said the ne

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@petergec

Sudha Chandran, a contemporary classical Indian dancer, was cut off in the prime of her dancing career-quite literally, for her right leg had to be amputated. After she had been fitted with an artificial leg she went back to dancing arid, incredibly, made it right back to the top again. When asked how she had managed it, she said, quite simply, “You don’t need feet to dance.” 🙂

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@petergec

The Buddhist nun called Ryonen was born in the year 1779. The famous Japanese warrior, Shingen, was her grandfather. She was considered one of the loveliest women in the whole of Japan and a poetess of no mean talent, so already at the age of seventeen she was chosen to serve at the royal court where she developed a great fondness for Her Imperial Majesty the Empress. Now the Empress died a sudden death and Ryonen underwent a profound spiritual experience: she became acutely aware of the passing

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@petergec

A priest walked into a pub indignant to find so many of his parishioners there. He rounded them up and shepherded them into the church. Then he solemnly said. “All those who want to go to heaven, step over here to the left.” Everyone stepped over except one man who stubbornly stood his ground. The priest looked at him fiercely and said. “Don’t you want to go to heaven?” “No.” said the man. “Do you mean to stand there and tell me you don’t want to go to heaven when you die?” “Of course I want to

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@petergec

...for the one essential is lacking. According to an ancient Indian fable a mouse was in constant distress because of its fear of the cat. A magician took pity on it and turned it into a cat. But then it became afraid of the dog. So the magician turned it into a dog. Then it began to fear the panther. So the magician turned it into a panther. Whereupon it was full of fear of the hunter. At this point the magician gave up. He turned it into a mouse again saying. “Nothing I do for you is going to

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@petergec

A man was so enamoured of fame he was ready to hang on a gibbet if that would get his name in the headlines. Is there really any difference between him and most business people and politicians? (Not to mention the rest of us who set such store by public opinion). 🙂

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@petergec

Have you heard of the man who accompanied Christopher Columbus on his expedition to the New World and kept worrying the whole time that he might not get back in time to succeed the old village tailor and someone eke might snatch the job? To succeed in the adventure called spirituality one must have one’s mind set on getting the most out of life. Most people settle for trifles like wealth, fame, comfort and human company. 🙂

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@petergec

In a little frontier town there was an old man who lived in the same house for fifty years. One day he surprised everyone by moving into the house next door. Reporters from the local papers descended on him to ask him why he had moved. “I guess it was the gypsy in me,” he replied with a self satisfied smile. 🙂

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@petergec

After thirty years of watching television, a husband said to his wife, “Let’s do something really-exciting tonight.” Instantly she conjured up visions of a night in town. “Great!” she said, “What shall we do?” “Well, let’s exchange chairs.” 🙂

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@petergec

...impostors many... A couple on their honeymoon were about to get into bed at their hotel when a masked burglar broke in. He drew a chalk circle on the floor, beckoned to the hus- band and said, “Stand there in that circle. If you step out of it I shall shoot you through the head.” While the husband stood there bolt upright, the burglar took everything he could lay his hands on threw it all into the sack and was about to get away when he saw the pretty bride covered in nothing more than a shee

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@petergec

...true seekers are rare... When the king visited the monasteries of the great Zen Master Lin Chi he was astonished to learn that there were more than ten thousand monks living there with him. Wanting to know the exact number of the monks the king asked. “How many disciples do you have?” Lin Chi replied. “Four or Five at the very most.” 🙂

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@petergec

SPIRITUALITY Given the nature of the spiritual quest... A man came upon a tall tower and stepped inside to find it all dark. As he groped around he came upon a circular staircase. Curious to know where it led to he began to climb and, as he climbed, he sensed a growing uneasiness in his heart. So he looked behind him and was horrified to see that each time he climbed a step, the previous one fell off and disappeared. Before him the stairs wound upward and he had no idea where they led; behind

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@petergec

In the old days it was common for people to use paper lanterns in Japan. The paper shielded a lit candle and was held together by bamboo sticks. A blind man happened to be visiting a friend and since it was late, was offered a lantern to take home with him. He laughed at the suggestion. “Day and night are all one to me,” he said. “What would I do with a lantern?” His friend said, “You do not need it to find your way home, true. But it might help to prevent someone from running into you in the da

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@petergec

While the wheelwright was making a wheel at the lower end of the hall Prince Huan of Ch’i was reading a book at the upper end. Putting aside his chisel and mallet the wheelwright called to the Prince and asked him what book he was reading. “One that preserves the words of the Sages,” said the Prince. “Are those Sages alive?” asked the wheelwright. “Oh. no.” said the Prince “they are all dead.” “Then what you are reading can be nothing but the dirt and scum of bygone people,” said the wheelwrigh

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@petergec

When an accident deprived the village headman of the use of his legs, he took to walking on crutches. He gradually developed the ability to move with speed-even to dance and execute little pirouettes for the entertainment of his neighbours. Then he took it into his head to train his children in the use of crutches. It soon became a status symbol in the village to walk on crutches and before long everyone was doing so. By the fourth generation no one in the village could walk without crutches. Th

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@petergec

A disciple once said to Confucius, “What are the basic ingredients of good government?” He answered, “Food, weapons and the trust of the people.” “But,” continued the disciple, if you were forced to dispense with one of these three, which would you drop?” “Weapons.” “And if you had to drop one of the other two?” “Food.” “But without food the people will die!” “From time immemorial, death has been the lot of human beings. But a people that no longer trusts its rulers is lost indeed.”

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@petergec

A group of college students was dissatisfied with the poor quality of the beer that the cafeteria served them. Some of them got the bright idea of pouring some in a bottle and sending it to a hospital laboratory in the hope of finding out what was in the beer. The following day they received a note that said, “Your horse is suffering from jaundice.”

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@petergec

The dangers of trusting the expert: A man received a note from a friend written in an illegible hand. After struggling to make sense out of it he finally hit upon the idea of enlisting the help of the local druggist. The man at the drug store looked hard at the note for a whole minute, then took a large brown bottle from the shelf, placed it on the counter and said, “That will be two dollars, please!” 🙂

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@petergec

A great painter asked a doctor friend to come and look at what he thought was his finest creation. The doctor subjected the painting to a thorough examination, taking his time over every detail. Ten minutes passed and the artist became somewhat apprehensive. “Well, what do you think?” he asked. The doctor said, “It appears to be double pneumonia.”

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@petergec

A centipede consulted an owl about the pain it felt in its legs. Said the owl, “You have far too many legs! If you became a mouse you would have only four legs-and one-twenty-fourth the amount of pain.” “That’s a very good idea,” said the centipede. “Now show me how to become a mouse.” “Don’t bother me with details of implementation,” said the owl. “I only make the policy in this place.”

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@petergec

Somewhere in the 1930s a manufacturing concern in the U.S. sent a machine to Japan. A month later the company received a cable: MACHINE DOES NOT WORK. SEND MAN TO FIX. The company sent someone to Japan. Before he had the opportunity to examine the machine, the company received a second cable: MAN TOO YOUNG, SEND OLDER MAN. The company’s reply was: BETTER USE HIM. HE INVENTED MACHINE. 🙂

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@petergec

A large truck was moving through a railway underpass when it got wedged in between the road and the girders overhead. All the efforts of experts to extricate it proved useless and traffic was stalled for miles on both sides of the underpass. A little boy kept trying to get the attention of the foreman but was always pushed away. Finally, in sheer exasperation, the foreman said, “I suppose you’ve come to tell us how to do this job?” “Yes,” said the kid. “I suggest you let some air out of the tyre

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@petergec

A woman once came to Rabbi Israel and told him her secret sorrow; she had been married twenty years and had still not borne a son. “What a coincidence!” said the Rabbi. “It was exactly thus with my mother.” And this is the story he told her: For twenty years his mother had no child. One day she heard that the holy Bal Shem Tov was in town so she hurried to the house he was in and begged him to pray that she might have a son. “What are you willing to do about it?” the holy man asked. “What can I

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@petergec

There was once a Rabbi who was revered by the people as a man of God. Not a day went by when a crowd of people wasn’t standing at his door seeking advice or healing or the holy man’s blessing. And each time the Rabbi spoke the people would hang on his lips, drinking in his every word. There was, however, in the audience a disagreeable fellow who never missed a chance to contradict the Master. He would observe the Rabbi’s weaknesses and make fun of his defects to the dismay of the disciples who b

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@petergec

A recruit was assigned to guard the entrance to the army camp and was given instructions to let no car pass if it did not have a special pennant. He had occasion to stop a car bearing a General who promptly told his driver to disregard the sentry and drive on. Whereupon the recruit stepped forward, rifle at the ready, and calmly said, “Pardon me, sir, but I’m new to this. Whom do I shoot? You, sir, or the driver?” You achieve greatness when you are oblivious of the dignify of those above you, a

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@petergec

To please an official Abraham Lincoln once signed an order transferring certain regiments. Secretary of War Stanton, convinced that the President had made a serious mistake, refused to carry out the order. And for good measure he added “Lincoln is a fool!” When this was reported to Lincoln he said, “If Stanton said I am a fool then I must be one, for he is almost always right. I think I’ll step over and see for myself.” That is exactly what he did. Stanton convinced him that the order was a mist

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@petergec

A friend once told the manager of an orchestra that he would love to have a position in the orchestra. Said the manager, “I had no idea you could play an instrument,” “I can’t,” was the reply. “But I see you have a man there who does nothing but wave a stick around while the others play. I think I could handle his job.” 🙂

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@petergec

A rich man decided to fulfil a life-long dream of leading an orchestra. So he hired one drummer, three saxophonists and twenty-four violinists. At their first rehearsal he conducted so badly that the drummer invited the other musicians to leave with him. But one of the saxophonists said, “Why leave? He’s paying us well. Besides, he must know something about music.” At the next rehearsal the conductor just couldn’t keep time. Where upon the drummer started to beat his drums furiously. The conduct

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@petergec

A young author once told Mark Twain that he was losing confidence in his ability to write. “Did you ever get that feeling yourself?” he asked. “Yes,” said Twain. “Once, after I had been writing for nearly fifteen years, it suddenly struck me that I did not possess the slightest talent for writing.” “What did you do then? Did you give up writing?” “How could I? By then I was already famous.” 🙂

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@petergec

The doctor decided that the time had come to tell his patient the truth: “I feel I should tell you that you are a very sick man and are not likely to live for more than another two days at the most. You may want to settle your affairs. Is there anyone you desire to see?” “Yes,” came the answer in a feeble voice. “Who is it?” asked the doctor. “Another doctor.” 🙂

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@petergec

Going by reports he had heard of him, the Caliph appointed Nasruddin Chief Advisor at the court. Since his authority derived, not from competence, but from the patronage of the Caliph, Nasruddin became a danger to all who came to consult him as became evident in the following case: “Nasruddin, you are a man of experience,” said a courtier. “Do you know of a cure for aching eyes? I’m having a lot of trouble with mine.” “Let me share my own experience with you,” said Nasruddin. “I once had a tooth

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@petergec

Owing to a variety of circumstances, the egg of an eagle found its way to a corner of the barn where a hen was hatching her eggs. In time the little eaglet was hatched with the other chickens. Now as time passed the fledging, quite unaccountably, began to experience a longing to fly. So it would say to its mother, the hen, “When shall I learn to fly?” The poor hen was quite aware of the fact that she could not fly and hadn’t the slightest notion of what other birds did to train their fledglings

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@petergec

It was the birthday of the parish priest and the children had come with their birthday greetings and gifts. Father took the gift-wrapped parcel from little Mary and said, “Ah! I see you have brought me a book.” (Mary’s father ran a bookstore in town) “Yes, how did you know?” “Father always knows!” “And you, Tommy, have brought me a sweater,” said Father picking up the parcel Tommy held out to him. (Tommy’s father was a dealer in woollen goods). “That’s right. How did you know?” “Ah! Father alway

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@petergec

The doctor carefully examined a patient and said, “You have had an attack of pneumonia. You are some sort of a musician, aren’t you?” “Yes,” said the man surprised. “And you play a wind instrument.” “That’s right. How did you know?” “Elementary, my dear fellow! There is a distinct straining of the lungs and the larynx is inflamed, undoubtedly because of severe pressure. Tell me, what instrument do you play?” “The accordion.” The hazards of infallibility! 🙂

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A young scientist was boasting in the presence of a Guru, of the achievements of modern science. “We can fly, just like the birds,” he was saying. “We can do what the birds can do!” “Except sit on a barbed wire fence,” said the Guru. 🙂

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@petergec

An ancient king in India sentenced a man to death. The man begged that the sentence be condoned, and added, “If the king will be merciful and spare my life, I shall teach his horse to fly in a year’s time.” “Done,” said the king. “But if at the end of this period the horse cannot fly, you will be executed.” When his anxious family later asked the man how he planned to achieve this, he said, “In the course of the year the king may die. Or the horse may die, or who knows, the Horse may learn to fl

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@petergec

Many years ago a bishop on the east coast of the United States paid a visit to a small religious College on the west coast. He was lodged in the home of the college president who was a progressive young man, a professor of physics and chemistry. The president one day invited the members of his faculty to dinner with the bishop so they could benefit from his wisdom and experience. After dinner the talk turned to the millennium and the bishop claimed that it could not be far off. One of the reason

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@petergec

The radio genius Marconi, sat up all night with a friend in his laboratory discussing all the intricate aspects of wireless communication. As they were leaving the laboratory Marconi suddenly said. “All my life I have been studying this matter but there is one thing I simply cannot understand about radio “ “Something you do not understand about radio!’ said the astonished friend. “What is it?” Said Marconi, “Why does it work?” 🙂

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@petergec

A priest’s daughter asked him where he got the ideas for his sermons. “From God.” he replied. “Then why do I see you scratching things out?” asked the girl. 🙂

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@petergec

Marshal Ferdinand Foch was Commander of the Allied Forces during the First World War. His chauffeur, Pierre, was sedulously cultivated by newspaper reporters who hoped to get information on what was going on in the Marshal’s mind. They were always asking him when the war would get over. But Pierre would never say. One day the reporters caught Pierre just as he was leaving headquarters. As they crowded around him the chauffeur said; “Today the Marshal spoke.” “What did he say?” they asked eagerly

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@petergec

Tall man in movie theatre to little boy sitting behind him: “Can you see the screen, son?” “No.” “Not to worry. Just look at me and laugh every time I laugh.” 🙂

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@petergec

Buddha says, “Monks and scholars should not accept my words out of respect but should analyse them as a goldsmith analyses gold by cutting, melting, scraping and rubbing it.” 🙂

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The crown prince was a duffer so the king employed a special tutor for him. Lessons began with a careful explanation of Euclid’s first theorem. “Is this clear, your Royal Highness?” asked the tutor. “No.” said his Royal Highness. So the tutor patiently went over the theorem again. “Is it clear now?” “No.” said the prince. Once again the tutor went to work on the theorem-with no effect. When even after the tenth attempt the royal duffer could make no sense of the theorem the poor tutor was reduce

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@petergec

A neighbour came to borrow Nasruddin’s donkey. “It’s out on loan.” said Nasruddin. At that moment the animal began to bray from within its stable. “But I can hear it bray.” said the neighbour. “So whom are you going to believe, the donkey or me?” 🙂

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“Could you recommend a good doctor?” “I suggest Dr. Chung. He saved my life.” “How did that happen?” “Well. I had this serious illness and went to see Dr. Ching. I took his medicine and felt worse. So I went to Dr. Chang. I took his medicine and felt I was dying. So I finally went to Dr. Chung-and he wasn’t in.” 🙂

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@petergec

“Thank God we took a mule with us on the picnic because when one of the boys was injured we used the mule to carry him back.” “How did he get injured?” “The mule kicked him!” 🙂

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@petergec

The woman was afflicted with a bad cold and nothing the doctor prescribed seemed to give her any relief. “Can you do nothing to cure me, Doctor?” she asked in frustration. “I have a suggestion,” said the doctor. “Go home and have a hot shower, then, before drying yourself, stand stark naked in a draught.” “Will that cure me?” she asked, surprised. “No, but it will give you pneumonia. And that I can cure.” Has it ever occurred to you that your guru might be offering you the remedy for art illness

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AUTHORITY A tale from the Calcutta mystic, Ramakrishna; There was a king who used to have the Bhagavad Gita recited to him every day by a priest. The priest would then explain the text and say, “O King, have you understood what I have said?” And every day the king would neither say Yes or No. He would only say. “You had better understand it first yourself.” This always caused sorrow to the poor priest who had spent hours preparing the daily lesson for the king and knew that his explanation wa

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@petergec

There was a question of opening a reformatory for boys and a well-known educationist was called in for advice. He made a passionate plea for humane methods of education at the reformatory, urging the founders to spare no expense in getting the services of kind-hearted and competent educators. He concluded by saying. “If only one boy is saved from moral depravity, it will justify all the cost and labour invested in an institution like this.” Later a member of the board said to him. “Didn’t you ge

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@petergec

There was a question of opening a reformatory for boys and a well-known educationist was called in for advice. He made a passionate plea for humane methods of education at the reformatory, urging the founders to spare no expense in getting the services of kind-hearted and competent educators. He concluded by saying. “If only one boy is saved from moral depravity, it will justify all the cost and labour invested in an institution like this.” Later a member of the board said to him. “Didn’t you ge

@petergec

The Master at the school for archery was known to be a Master of Life just as much as of archery. One day his brightest pupil scored three bull’s eyes in a row at a local contest. Everyone went wild with applause. Congratulations poured in for pupil-and Master. The Master, however, seemed unimpressed. Even critical. When the pupil later asked him why, he said, “You have yet to learn that the target is not the target.” “What IS the target?” the pupil demanded to know. But the Master would not say

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@petergec

Little girl at fruit store with a banana peel in her hand: “What is it you want, darling?” said the vendor. “A refill.” was the reply. 🙂

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@petergec

A little boy was in a village, away from the big city for the first time in his life. He was standing on the sidewalk when an old man drove up in a horse cart and went into a shop. The boy kept gazing in wonder at the horse, an animal he had never seen in his life. When the old man came out of the shop and was preparing to drive away, the kid said, “Hey, mister! Maybe I ought to warn you that he just lost his petrol?” 🙂

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@petergec

The modern child: A man wanted to foster a love for music in his children so he bought them a piano. When he got home he found them contemplating the piano in puzzlement. “How,” they asked, “do you plug it in?” 🙂

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@petergec

Parents: “Why is it that though Johnny is younger than you his marks at school are always better?” Seven-year-old: “Because Johnny’s parents are clever.” 🙂

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@petergec

A despairing couple sent urgently for the child psychologist because they just did not know what to do with their little son who had installed himself on the rocking horse of a neighbouring kid and refused to get off. He had three rocking horses of his own at home, but he was adamant that the one he wanted to sit on was THIS one. Attempts to drag him away led to such howls and shrieks that he was put right back on the horse. The psychologist first settled the matter of his fee, then walked up t

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@petergec

Nasruddin handed a boy a pitcher and told him to go fetch water from the well. Before the kid set out, however, he clouted him on the ear and shouted. “Mind you don’t drop it!” An onlooker said, “How can you strike a poor child before he has done anything wrong?” Said Nasruddin, “I suppose you would prefer me to strike him AFTER he has broken the pitcher when both the pitcher and the water are lost? When I clout him he remembers and so the pot and the water are both saved.” 🙂

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@petergec

A little boy running down the street turned a corner suddenly and collided with a man. “My goodness!” said the man. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?” “Home.” said the lad. “And I’m in a hurry because my mother is going to spank me.” “Are you so eager to be spanked that you are running home for it?” asked the astonished stranger. “No. But if father gets home before me he will do the spanking.” Children are mirrors. When they are in the presence of love, that’s what they reflect. When lone

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@petergec

At the age of sixty-one Master Soyen Shaku passed from this world, but not before he had fulfilled his appointed task-he left for posterity a more varied and more sublime teaching than that of most Zen Masters. It was said that his pupils would sometimes sleep after the midday meal, overcome with lassitude in the summer. Even though he himself never wasted a minute. Soyen never said a word about this failing in his disciples. At the age of twelve he was already studying the philosophical tenets

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@petergec

A guru was holding class for a group of young disciples when they begged him to reveal to them the Sacred Mantra by which the dead are restored to life. “What would you do with a dangerous thing like that?” “Nothing. It would just serve to strengthen our faith.” they replied. “Premature knowledge is a dangerous thing, my children.” the old man said. “When is knowledge premature?” they demanded. “When it gives power to someone who does not as yet have the wisdom that must go with its use.” The di

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@petergec

U.S. President William Howard Taft was at dinner one night when his youngest son made a disrespectful remark about his father. Everyone was shocked at the audacity of the boy and a hush descended on the room. “Well,” said Mrs. Taft, “aren’t you going to punish him?” “If the remark was addressed to me as his father, he will certainly be punished.” said Taft, “But if he addressed it to the President of the United States, that is his constitutional privilege.” Why should a father be exempt from cr

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@petergec

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch on the subject of sex morality. “In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said. “Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?” 🙂

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“What did you have in school today?” a father asked his teenage son. “Oh, we had lectures on sex,” was the reply. “Lectures on sex? What did they tell you?” “Well, first there was a priest who told us why we shouldn’t. Then a doctor told us how we shouldn’t. Finally the principal gave us a talk on where we shouldn’t.” 🙂

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@petergec

A philosopher who had only one pair of shoes asked the cobbler to repair them for him while he waited. “It’s closing time,” said the cobbler, “so it won’t be possible for me to repair them just now. Why don’t you come for them tomorrow?” “I have only one pair of shoes and it won’t be possible for me to walk without shoes.” “Very well. I shall lend you a used pair for the day.” “What! Wear someone else’s shoes? What do you take me for?” “Why should you object to having someone else’s shoes on you

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@petergec

“I wish you would dress more in accordance with your position. Tm sorry you have allowed yourself to become so shabby.” “But I am not shabby.” ‘Yes, you are. Take your grandfather. He was always so elegantly dressed. His clothes were expensive and well tailored.” “Ha! I’ve got you there! These are my grandfather’s clothes I am wearing!” 🙂

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@petergec

Uncle Joe had come for the weekend and little Jimmy was ecstatic that his great hero was going to share his room and bed. Just after lights out Jimmy remembered something. “Oops!” he cried. “I nearly forgot!” He jumped out of bed and knelt down beside it. Not wishing to set a bad example to the little fellow, Uncle Joe heaved himself out of bed and knelt down on the other side. “Boy!” whispered Jimmy in awe. “When Mom finds out tomorrow, you’ll get it! The pot’s on this side.” 🙂

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@petergec

An old sailor gave up smoking when his pet parrot developed a persistent cough. He was worried-that the pipe smoke that frequently filled the room had damaged the parrot’s health. He had a vet examine the bird. After a thorough check-up the vet concluded that the parrot did not have psittacosis or pneumonia. It had merely been imitating the cough of its pipe-smoking master. 🙂

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@petergec

When Handel’s MESSIAH was first performed in London, the King who was present, was so carried away by religious sentiment during the Alleluia chorus that, against all convention, he stood up in silent respect for the masterpiece he was hearing. When they saw this, all the nobles present followed the example of the King and stood up too. That was the signal, of course, for everyone in the audience to stand up! Since then it is considered de rigueur to stand up each time the Alleluia is sung regar

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@petergec

When the young rabbi succeeded his father everyone began to tell him how completely unlike his father he is. “On the contrary.” replied the young man. “I’m exactly like the old man. He imitated no one. I imitate no one.” 🙂 ‘Be yourself!’ Beware of imitating the behaviour of the great if you do not have the inner disposition that inspired them to act.

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Mother: “Did you know that God was present when you stole that cookie from the kitchen? And he was looking at you all the time?” “Yes.” “And what do you think he was saying to you?” “He was saying. There’s no one here but the two of us - take two." 🙂

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@petergec

Religious-minded woman mourning the ways of the younger generation: “It’s because of the cars! Look how far they can go for a dance or a date nowadays. It wasn’t that way in your day, was it grandma?” Eighty-seven year old lady: “Well, we certainly went as far as we could.” 🙂

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@petergec

Three boys accused of stealing watermelons were brought to court and faced the judge nervously, expecting the worst, for he was known to be a severe man. He was also a wise educator. With a rap of his gavel he said. “Any man in here who never stole a single watermelon when he was a boy raise his hand.” He waited. The court officials, policeman, spectators-and the judge himself-kept their hands on the desks in front of them When he was satisfied that not a single hand was raised in the court, the

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@petergec

A man, who had just retired from forty-seven years of work as a reporter and editor phoned to the local Education Board and. after explaining his background in the newspaper business, said he would like to get involved in the local literacy programme. There was a long pause. Then someone at the other end said. “That would be fine. But would you want to teach or to learn?” 🙂

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@petergec

With the help of a MANUAL OF INSTRUCTIONS a woman tried for hours to assemble a complicated new appliance she had recently bought. She finally gave up and left the pieces all over the kitchen table. Imagine her surprise when she got back several hours later to find the machine put together by the housemaid and functioning perfectly. “How on earth did you do that?” she exclaimed. “Well, ma’am, when you don’t know how to read you’re forced to use your brains.” was the serene reply. 🙂

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@petergec

Education should not be a preparation for life; it should be life. A group of college students begged novelist Sinclair Lewis to give them a lecture, explaining that all of them were to become writers themselves. Lewis began with: “How many of you really intend to be writers?” All hands were raised. “In that case, there is no point in my talking. My advice to you is: go home and write, write, write...” With that, he returned his notes to his pocket and left the room. 🙂

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@petergec

Noticing that his father was growing old, the son of a burglar said. “Father, teach me your trade so that when you retire I may carry on the family tradition.” The father did not reply but that night he took the boy along with him to break into a house. Once inside, he opened a closet and asked his son to find out what was inside. No sooner had the lad stepped in then the father slammed the door shut and bolted it making such a noise in the process that the whole house was awakened. Then he hims