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petergec
3 months ago
There was once a man who had a golden belly button but what to most people would have been a source of pride, to him was a source of embarrassment for each time he took a shower or a swim he was the burl of his friend’s teasing. So he prayed and prayed that his belly button would be taken away. One night he dreamt that an angel came down from heaven, unscrewed his belly button and went back to heaven. When he woke in the morning the first thing he did was check to see if the dream was true. It w
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petergec
3 months ago
The Ministry of Agriculture decreed that sparrows were a menace to the crops and should be exterminated. When this was done hoards of insects that the sparrows would have eaten descended on the harvest and began to ravage the crops, whereupon the Ministry of Agriculture came up with the idea of costly pesticides. The pesticides made the food expensive. They also made it a hazard to health. Too late it was discovered that it was the sparrows who, though feeding on the crops, managed to keep the f
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petergec
3 months ago
There is a story that before Moses led the people from the land of Egypt he was apprenticed to a great Master as a preparation for becoming a prophet. The first discipline that the Master imposed on Moses was that of silence. The two of them wandered through the countryside one day and Moses was so dazzled by the beauties of nature that he found it easy to be silent. But when they got to the bank of a river, he saw a child drowning on the other shore and its poor mother crying aloud for help. Mo
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petergec
3 months ago
Old people are not lonely because they have no one to share their burden but because they have only their own burden to bear. An eighty-five-year-old woman was being interviewed on her birthday. What advice would she have for people her age, the reporter asked. “Well,” said the old dear, “at our age it is very important to keep using all our potential or it dries up. It is important to be with people and, if it is at all possible to earn one’s living through service. That’s what keeps us alive a
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petergec
3 months ago
A course on HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE was in progress. A young businessman was explaining to the class how he applied all the principles of the course in an encounter with a business prospect. And it worked marvellously-well, not quite! “I did everything I was told to do here,” he added. “I began by greeting him warmly,-then I smiled at him and asked him about himself. I paid the closest attention to everything he said. I went out of my way to agree with his views and told him ever
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petergec
3 months ago
A young man in training to be a priest was told that what people expect of a priest is that he listen to their woes. Just listen, listen, listen... Maybe he wouldn’t be able to lend a helping hand, but he could always lend a sympathetic ear. So this is what he determined to do when he arrived at his first parish assignment. No matter how much the whole of him revolted, he forced himself to listen, listen, listen... and the people were most appreciative. But something seemed to be going wrong som
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petergec
3 months ago
The story goes that a fire broke out in a house in which a man was fast asleep. They tried to carry him out through the window. No way. They tried to carry him out through the door. No way. He was just too huge and heavy. They were pretty desperate till someone suggested: “Wake him up, and then he’ll get out by himself.” Only sleepers and children need to be taken care of. Wake up! Or grow up! 🙂
petergec
3 months ago
An enthusiastic young priest was appointed chaplain of a hospital. He was one day glancing through the admission cards of recently arrived patients and found one which stated that the patient was a Catholic. There was also a curious note affixed to that word: “Does not want to see a priest unless she is unconscious.” Something to ask yourself each time you think you need help or advice: “Am I sure I’m conscious?” 🙂
petergec
3 months ago
A woman was leaning over the victim of a street accident and the crowd was looking on. Suddenly she was roughly pushed aside by a man who said, “Step back, please. I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman looked on for a few minutes while the man got busy with the victim. Then she said calmly, “When you come to the part where you have to send for the doctor, I’m already here?” Oftener than you imagine, the doctor is already there - inside the person you are attempting to help! So why bother w
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petergec
4 months ago
A group of newly arrived missionaries hired a native to take them for a canoe ride on the Congo. After a while they started hearing the steady beat of jungle drums. All along the route, at steady intervals, the sounds were repeated. “What are the drums saying?” asked one of the missionaries fearfully. The native guide listened to the drums and translated: “Drums say: Three white people. Very rich. Raise prices.” Saadi of Shiraj used to say: “No one learnt archery from me who did not, in the end
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petergec
4 months ago
Once upon a time God gave a party to all the virtues, great and small, humble and heroic. They all gathered together in a splendidly decorated hall in heaven and soon began to enjoy themselves because they were well acquainted with one another; some were even closely related. Suddenly God spotted two fair virtues who seemed not to know each other at all and were somewhat ill at ease in each other’s company. So He took one of them by the hand and formally introduced her to the other. “Gratitude.”
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petergec
4 months ago
Once upon a time there was an inn called THE SILVER STAR. The innkeeper was unable to make both ends meet even though he did his very best to draw customers by making the inn comfortable, the service cordial and the prices reasonable. So in despair he consulted a Sage. After listening to his tale of woe the Sage said, “It is very simple. You must change the name of your inn.” “Impossible!” said the innkeeper. “It has been THE SILVER STAR for generations and is well known all over the country.” “
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petergec
4 months ago
Thank God our motives in serving others are hidden from the public eye. The seaside concert was poor and got no reviews in the local papers. Attendance dropped sharply after the first performance. Yet one little man came every night and did not miss a single show. However, even his presence, gratifying as it was to the performers, could not keep the show afloat financially. On the last night the manager stepped before the curtain and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, before taking leave of you, we w
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petergec
4 months ago
I get a great kick out of serving you-but I still insist that you be grateful. A bejewelled dowager stepped out of a fashionable hotel in London where she had been dining and dancing all evening at a Charity Ball for the support of street urchins. She was about to get into her Rolls Royce when a street urchin walked up to her and whined, “Spare me sixpence, ma’am, for charity. I haven’t eaten for two days.” The duchess recoiled from the kid. “You ungrateful wretch!” she exclaimed. “Don’t you re
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petergec
4 months ago
“Wake up, sir!” says the nurse, shaking the sleeping patient. “What’s the matter? What’s gone wrong?” asked the startled patient. “Nothing, I just forgot to give you your sleeping tablets.” We had a fire at our home yesterday. Fortunately it was put out before the fire department could do any damage. 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
A woman member of the Ambulance Brigade was on first aid duty at the shore. She noticed many empty bottles scattered over a grassy spot and was afraid that people might inadvertently step on them and hurt themselves. So she put down her first-aid kit and started picking up the bottles. Then an elderly gentleman, distracted by what she was doing, tripped over her first-aid kit and hurt himself. 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
One day Nasruddin asked a wealthy man for some money. “What do you want it for?” “To buy an elephant.” “If you have no money, you will not be able to maintain the elephant.” “I asked for money,” said Nasruddin, “not advice.” 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
A beggar saw a banker coming out of his office and said. “Could you give me a dime, sir, for a cup of coffee?” The banker felt sorry for this man who looked bedraggled and distraught. He said, “Here’s a dollar. Take it and have ten cups of coffee.” The next day the beggar was there again at the steps of the banker’s office and as the banker came out he punched him. “Hey,” said the banker. “What are you doing?” “You and your lousy ten cups of coffee. They kept me awake the whole of last night!”
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petergec
4 months ago
A bird ate poisonous berries which did it no harm. One day it collected some for its meal and sacrificed a portion if its meal to feed its friend, a rabbit who not wishing to seem ungrateful, ate the berries and died. If the charge was one of breaking and entering with the intention of doing good, how many of us could plead not guilty? 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
Long ago a rare bird, never seen before in China, alighted in the suburb of the capital city. The emperor was delighted. He ordered that food from his own table be offered to the bird and that his orchestra be brought in to play for its enjoyment. But the bird looked miserable and dazed. It refused to touch any of the food offered to it and, in a short time, contracted a sickness and died. 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down trying to ring a door bell. The poor kid was too small and the bell too high. So the priest went up and rang the bell for the little fellow. Then, turning to the kid with smile, he asked, “What do we do now?” The little fellow said, “Run like hell.” 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
According to the newspapers the heat wave was causing fainting spells, so the young lady was not surprised to see the middle-aged man next to her in church slump down towards the floor. Quickly she knelt down beside him, placed a firm hand on his head and pushed it down between his knees. “Keep your head down,” she whispered urgently. “You’ll feel better if you can get the blood into your head.” The man’s wife looked on convulsed with laughter and did nothing to help her husband or the young lad
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petergec
4 months ago
A commuter hopped on to a train at New York and told the conductor he was going to Fordham. “We don’t stop at Fordham on Saturdays,” said the conductor, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. As we slow down at Fordham station I shall open the door and you jump off. Make sure you’re running along with the train when you hit the ground or you’ll fall flat on your face.” At Fordham the door opened and the commuter hit the ground running forward. Another conductor, seeing him, opened the door and pulled h
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petergec
4 months ago
Said a Colonial Governor to a native leader, “I deplore the oppression to which my people subject yours. You must help me solve the problem.” “Where’s the problem?” asked the leader. “Listen my dear fellow. If I had you tied to a stake and lit a fire around you, you would have a problem, wouldn’t you?” “Would I? If you got me released, all would be well. If you let me burn, I would die. And you would have the problem!” 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself. Nasruddin was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!” 🙂
petergec
4 months ago
Once upon a time the members of the body were very annoyed with the stomach. They were resentful that they had to procure food and bring it to the stomach while the stomach itself did nothing but devour the fruit of their labour. So they decided they would no longer bring the stomach food. The hands would not lift it to the mouth. The teeth would not chew it; the throat would not swallow it. That would force the stomach into doing something. But all they succeeded in doing was make the body weak
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petergec
5 months ago
SERVICE A farmer, whose corn always took the first prize at the State Fair, had the habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighbourhood. When asked why, he said, “It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbours grow inferior corn the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best.” Ail that you give to others you are giv
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petergec
5 months ago
To relate is to react. To react is to understand oneself. To understand oneself is to be enlightened. Relationships are schools for enlightenment. 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
In ancient India water used to be drawn out of wells by means of the Persian wheel, a convenient device whose only drawback was the great noise it made when in operation. One day a horseman happened to pass by a farm and demanded water for his horse. The farmer gladly put the Persian wheel in motion but the horse, unaccustomed as it was to the noise, wouldn’t come anywhere near the well. “Can’t you stop the noise so that my horse can drink?” asked the horseman. “I'm afraid that isn’t possible, s
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petergec
5 months ago
....or are they? A farm boy was so taciturn that his girl friend, after five years of courtship, decided that he was never going to propose to her and that she would have to take the initiative. One day when they were sitting alone in the garden, she said to him, “John, let’s get married. Shall we get married, John?” A long silence followed. Finally John said, “Yes.” Another long silence. Finally the girl said, “Say something, John. Why don’t you say something?’ “I’m afraid I’ve said too much
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petergec
5 months ago
What price peace? Two hippies, feeling high, are strolling down the street. Another hippy, walking towards them, gently lifts his hand in greeting and says, “Hi there!” Four blocks later, one hippy turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought he’d never stop talking!” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
“You look all in today, Jack, what’s the trouble?” “Well, I didn’t get home until morning and just as I was undressing, my wife woke up and said, ‘Aren’t you getting up pretty early, Jack?’ So, to avoid an argument, I put on my clothes and came back to work.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
A farmer decided it was time he got married, so he saddled his mule and set off for the city to find himself a wife. In time, he met a woman he thought would make him a good wife and they were married. After the ceremony they both climbed on to the mule and started back for the farm. After a while the mule stopped and refused to move, so the farmer dismounted and beat the mule with a huge stick until it started to move again. “That’s one,” said the farmer. Some miles later the mule stopped again
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petergec
5 months ago
A young woman called a Card Shop. “Do you remember those wedding cards I ordered last week? Well, I was wondering if it is too late to make a few changes in them.” “Give me the new information, lady, and I shall check.” said the shopkeeper. “O.K. It’s a different date, a different church and a different man.” It is quite impossible to be happily married to another if one does not first get a divorce from oneself. 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
Rare, indeed, is the relationship in which the other is not cultivated for what one can get for oneself. “I hear you have broken your engagement with Tom. What happened?” “Oh, my feelings towards him changed. That’s what happened.” “Are you going to return his engagement ring?” “Oh, no! My feelings towards the ring haven’t changed.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
“Darling,” says a woman to her husband at a party, “you had better not have any more drinks. You’re beginning to look blurred already.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
The defects we see in them are mostly our own. “Excuse me, sir,” said a timid student. “I couldn’t make out what you wrote on the margin of my last paper.” “I told you to write more legibly,” said the teacher. 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
A friend asked Nasruddin for a sum of money. Nasruddin was convinced the money wouldn’t be returned. But since he did not want to offend the friend and the sum asked for was a small one, he gave him the money. To his great surprise, exactly one week after the loan was made the man returned the money. A month later he returned to ask for a slightly larger sum. Nasruddin refused. When the man asked why, he said, “Last time I did not expect you to return the money - and you let me down. This time I
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petergec
5 months ago
We see them mostly through the spectacles of our preconceived notions. Boss: “You look exhausted. What happened?” Secretary: “Well, I... No, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” “Of course I would.” “No, you wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t.” “I really will believe you. I promise I will.” “Well, I worked too hard today.” “I don’t believe it.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
Samuel was down in the dumps and who could blame him? His landlord had ordered him out of the apartment and he had nowhere to go. .Suddenly light dawned. He could live with his good friend Moshe. The thought brought Samuel much comfort, until it was assailed by another thought that said, “What makes you so sure that Moshe will put you up at his place?” “Why wouldn’t he?” said Samuel to the thought, somewhat heatedly, “After all it is I who found him the place he is living in now; and it was I wh
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petergec
5 months ago
A woman was at her singing lessons. She had such a jarring voice that a neighbour could take it no more. He managed, finally, to summon up the courage to knock at her door and say, “Madam, if you don’t stop your singing I think I’ll go mad!” “What are you talking about?” said the woman. “I stopped two hours ago!” So sorry.’ It isn‘t you I am dealing with but an image in my head. 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
A woman complained to a visiting friend that her neighbour was a poor housekeeper, “You should see how dirty her children are-and her house. It is almost a disgrace to be living in the same neighbourhood as her. Take a look at those clothes she has hung out on the line. See the black streaks on the sheets and towels!” The friend walked up to the window and said, “I think the clothes are quite clean, my dear. The streaks are on your window.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
All too frequently, we see people, not as they are, but as we are. An active young woman showed signs of stress and strain. The doctor prescribed tranquillizers and asked her to report to him after a couple of weeks. When she came back he asked her if she felt any different. She said, “No, I don’t. But I’ve observed that other people seem a lot more relaxed.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
The surest way to kill a relationship: insist on having things your way. Johnny was a sturdy, robust kid of three. He made friends with a Billy goat next door. Each morning he would pull up some grass and lettuce and take them over as breakfast for Billy. So deep was their friendship that Johnny would spend hours in Billy’s pleasant company. One day it occurred to Johnny that a change of diet would do Billy a lot of good. So he went to visit his friend with rhubarb instead of lettuce. Billy nib
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petergec
5 months ago
Nasruddin’s wife wanted a pet, so she brought a monkey. Nasruddin wasn’t pleased. “What’s it going to eat?” he asked. “Exactly what we eat,” said the wife. “And where is it going to sleep?” “Right in bed with us.” “With us? What about the smell?” “If I can put up with it, I guess the monkey can too.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
....and we hardly ever talk about the same things... “Darling,” said the wife, “I’m ashamed of the way we live. Father pays the rent of the house, brother sends us food and money for clothes, uncle pays our water and electricity bills and our friends provide us with tickets for the theatre. I’m not complaining, really, but do think we can do better.” “Of course we can,” said the husband. “I’ve been thinking about it myself lately. You’ve got a brother and two uncles who don’t send us a cent!”
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petergec
5 months ago
Perfect listening is listening not so much to others as to oneself. Perfect sight is seeing not others so much as oneself. For they fail to understand the other who have not heard themselves; and they are blind to the reality of others who have not probed themselves. The perfect listener hears you even when you say nothing. Woman to husband absorbed in newspaper: “You needn’t bother saying, ‘uh ha,’ any more. I stopped talking ten minutes ago.” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
...but frequently, alas, we don’t even hear what the other is saying... It was their golden wedding and the couple were kept busy all day with the celebrations and the crowds of relatives and friends who dropped in to congratulate them. So they were grateful when, towards evening, they were able to be alone on the porch watching the sunset, relaxing after the tiring day. The old man gazed fondly at his wife and said, “Agatha, I’m proud of you!” “What was that you said?” asked the old lady. “You
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petergec
5 months ago
..nor put our own meaning into the other’s words... A reporter was interviewing a woman on her hundredth birthday. She seemed an extraordinarily vivacious sort of person who delighted in recalling her past. She had lived from the age of the covered wagon to the age of the supersonic jet; and she seemed eager to describe it all. When the interview was over she still seemed eager to talk, so the reporter tried to think up some question that would keep the conversation going. “Have you ever been b
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petergec
5 months ago
....nor assume that we know what the other is talking about... A storekeeper heard one of his salesman say to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.” Horrified at what he was hearing he rushed over to the customer as she was walking out and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” Then he drew the salesman aside and growled, “Never, never,
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petergec
5 months ago
..and not respond to what we assume the other said... The village drunkard staggered up Io the parish priest, newspaper in hand, and greeted him politely. The priest, annoyed, ignored the greeting because the man was slightly inebriated. He had come with a purpose, however, “Excuse me, Father,” he said, “Could you tell me what causes arthritis?” The priest ignored that too. But when the man repeated the question the priest turned on him impatiently and cried, “Drinking causes arthritis, that’s
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petergec
5 months ago
....and what the other wants... Two trucks were standing back to back and a truck driver was struggling to get a huge crate from one truck to the other. A passer-by, seeing his desperate situation, volunteered to help. So the two of them huffed and puffed and struggled for well over half an hour with no result at all. “I’m afraid it’s no use,” panted the passer-by. “We’ll never get it off this truck,” “Off!” yelled the driver. “Good God, I don’t want it off. I want it on!” 🙂
petergec
5 months ago
...and refrain from deciding ahead of time what the other is talking about... A fourteen-year old boy announced at dinner one evening that he had been chosen to teach his class the next day. His father who was an expert in Instructional Methods for the military seized this wonderful occasion to give his son the benefit of his own training and experience. “This is the way we go about it in the army, son,” he said. “We first choose objectives made up of action, situation and level of performance.
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petergec
6 months ago
When Calvin Coolidge was President of the United States, he saw dozens of people each day. Most had complaints of one kind or another. One day a visiting Governor told the President that he did not understand how he was able to meet so many people in the space of a few hours. “Why, you are finished with all your visitors by dinner time,” said the Governor, “while I am often in my office till midnight.” “Yes,” said Coolidge. “That’s because you talk.” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
RELATIONSHIPS Dialogue is the life-blood of a relationship. But the obstacles to dialogue are many- alas, and those who surmount them, few. Much is accomplished if, in the first place, we talk less and listen more... President Theodore Roosevelt had a passion for big-game hunting. When he heard that a famous British hunter was visiting the States he invited the man to the White House in the hope of getting some pointers from him. After a two-hour meeting at which the two of them were closeted
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petergec
6 months ago
A reporter was sent out to get the opinion of the man in the street about modern woman. The first person he ran into was a man who had just celebrated his one-hundred-and-third birthday. “I’m afraid I won’t be of much help to you, son,” said the old man regretfully. “I quit thinking about women nearly two years ago!” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
Two little boys met. “How old are you?” “I’m five. How old are you?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know how old you are?” “Nope.” “Do women bother you?” “Nope.” “You’re four.” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
A fellow went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as a workaholic. So he had to take a second job to pay for the therapy. 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
...or intensify it.” Doctor to patient: “I’ve been treating you for guilt for the past ten years, and you are still feeling guilty about a trifle like that? You ought to feel ashamed of yourself!” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
...I can only exchange it for another... Soon after World War II a London bus conductor noticed a passenger with a heavy parcel on his lap. “What’s that you have there?” he asked. “An unexploded bomb that fell near my house. I’m taking it to the police station.” “Good God! You don’t want to carry a thing like that on your lap man! Put it under your seal!” (The solution to a problem, changes the problem.) 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
The chief executive of a large company was greatly admired for his energy and drive. But he suffered from one embarrassing weakness: each time he entered the president’s office to make his weekly report, he would wet his pants! The kindly president advised him to see a proctologist. When he appeared before the president the following week his pants were still wet! “Didn’t you see the proctologist?” asked the president. “No. He was out. I saw a psychologist instead. I’m cured. I no longer feel em
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petergec
6 months ago
The captain of a submarine, desiring to test his engine room, asked for top speed, then suddenly ordered an emergency stop. His orders were instantly obeyed. The public address system was turned on. “This is the captain speaking. Well done, engine room. You stopped the sub in exactly 55.05 seconds.” Soon another voice boomed, “This is the chef. The sub may have stopped, but your steak and potatoes kept going. Cold dinner for everyone tonight!” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
...of their achievements! A missionary, somewhere in the tropics, decided to impress his parishioners by taking some of them for a ride in a plane. The plane glided over their villages and hills and forests and rivers. Occasionally they would look out of their windows but on the whole they did not seem to be one bit impressed. Back on the ground his flock trooped out of the plane without a word of comment. Anxious to get some response, the missionary exclaimed, “Wasn’t it wonderful? Think of wh
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petergec
6 months ago
...and how proud they feel-generally for the wrong reasons -... Friends of composer, George Gershwin, attempted to convey to his father the fact that “Rhapsody in Blue” was a work of genius. “Of course, it is,” said the old man. “It takes fifteen minutes to perform, doesn’t it?” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
The man was a regular customer and the management did its best to please him. So when he complained one day that only one piece of bread was being given him with his meal, the waiter promptly brought him four slices. “That’s good,” he said, “but not good enough. I like bread-plenty of it.” So the next night he was given a dozen slices, “Good,” he said. “But you’re still being frugal, aren’t you?” Even a basketful of slices on the table next day did not stop his complaints. So the manager decided
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petergec
6 months ago
...and their emotions... A passenger on a train was giving the dining car waiter his order. “For dessert,” he said, “I’ll have tarts and ice-cream.” The waiter said they had no tarts. The man exploded. “What? No tarts? That’s absurd. I am one of the biggest customers this rail board has. Each year I organize trips for thousands of tourists and I have hundred of tons of freight transported on it. And when I myself travel on the line I cannot get a simple thing like tarts! ‘I’ll take this up with
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petergec
6 months ago
A man in Russia took his wife with him into the forest, supposedly to hunt for wolves. But when the wolves came, he ran away and abandoned her to them. The next morning he put a wreath on his door and went into mourning-but not for long, because he had a lover whom he married six months later. The night of the wedding his former wife appeared to him at night crying, “Help! Help! Help!” To his amazement, his new wife saw and heard nothing. Each night the woman would return and scream for help, ti
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petergec
6 months ago
It is just as astonishing to see the use they make of their imagination..,.. “If you ever marry or take a mistress after I am gone I shall return to haunt you,” said a dying woman to her husband. So when he fell in love again some months after his wife’s death he was horrified, but not surprised, to see her ghost walk into the house that night and accuse him bitterly of infidelity. This went on night after night till he could take it no more and went to consult a Zen Master who said, “What make
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petergec
6 months ago
When a man returned from the large city to the ‘village of his boyhood years, one of the neighbours said to him, “I suppose you know that old farmer Smith lost his farm?” “No. What happened?” “Well, one day he got the idea that his neighbour’s fence was five feet into his land. He took to brooding over it. Finally he went to see a lawyer telling him he thought this was encroachment. Well, the lawyer thought so too!” Voltaire says, “I have never been ruined out but twice: once when I lost a laws
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petergec
6 months ago
Two prospective buyers walked into a used-car lot and began to look around- The attendant began his sales talk when one of them produced a card which said, “Sorry, we’re deaf-mutes.” So the salesman pulled out a pad and began to jot down, for their benefit, all the advantages of any car they showed interest in. They finally settled on a neat little Volkswagen. They took it round the block on a trial run and seemed so pleased that the sale was as good as made. But when they got back to the lot, t
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petergec
6 months ago
A couple were wondering how to dispose of five attractive puppies they had just acquired. The man drove all around town attempting to give them away but no one would have them. They announced over the local radio that they had pedigree puppies to give away. No one seemed interested. Finally a neighbour advised them to advertise. They went back to announce on the radio that they would sell the pups at twenty-five dollars each. Before the day was out every one of the puppies had been sold! 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
A man in Las Vegas approached a wealthy-looking stranger and said. “Can you spare me twenty-five dollars, sir? I haven’t eaten for two days and I have no place to sleep.” “How do I know you won’t take the money and gamble with it?” “No way,” said the man. “Gambling money I already have with me.” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
A man at a bar turned to the stranger sitting next to him and said, “I just don’t understand it. All it takes is one little drink, just one little drink to make me drunk. “Really? Just one?” ‘Yes. And it is generally the eighth-one. 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
A reporter asked several people in a small town if they knew the mayor. “He’s a liar and a cheat,” said the gas station attendant. “He’s a pompous ass,” said the schoolteacher. “Never voted for him in my life,” said the druggist. “Most corrupt politician I’ve ever known,” said the barber. When the reporter finally met the mayor he asked him what kind of salary he received. “Good heavens, I don’t get any salary,” said the mayor. “Then why did you take the job?” “For the honour.” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
They pride themselves on their reasonableness - which they then proceed to demonstrate in astonishing ways: A Governor was visiting a state penitentiary and talking to a tramp who had asked for a pardon. “What’s the matter with this place? You’re more comfortably lodged here than you have ever been, aren’t you?” “Yes sir,” was the reply. “But I still want to gel out.” “Don’t they feed you well?” “They certainly do. That isn’t it.’ “Then what is it?” “Well, sir, there’s only one objection I have
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petergec
6 months ago
A Russian Workers Delegation was visiting a factory in Detroit. The leader asked the foreman how many hours an American worker worked each week. “Forty,” said the foreman. The Russian shook his head. “In my country,” he said, “the average worker works sixty hours a week.” “Sixty hours?” exclaimed the foreman. “You’d never get the men in this factory to work that much. They’re a bunch of Commies!” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
..or labels... Issac Goldstein ran into a cousin of his in New York. “How are things with you?” he asked. “Haven’t you heard?” asked the cousin. “I’m a partner in the firm of Goldstein and Murphy.” “Goldstein and Murphy? Now isn’t that wonderful! That’s what America is all about: people of different nationalities doing business in partnership. But to you I’ll confess it is something of a surprise.” “You call that a surprise? Well, I’ve got a bigger surprise for you. I’m Murphy!” 🙂
petergec
6 months ago
A little black boy was watching the balloon man at the Country Fair. The man was evidently a good salesman, because he allowed a red balloon to break loose and soar high up in the air, thereby attracting a crowd of prospective young customers. Then he released a blue balloon, then a yellow one and a white one. They all went soaring up into the sky until they disappeared. The little black boy stood looking at the black balloon for a long time, then asked, “Sir, it you sent the black one up would
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petergec
6 months ago
...or appearances... A little girl, who had been told that Lincoln wasn’t very good-looking, was taken by her father to see the President at the White House. Lincoln took her on his knee and chatted with her for a while in his gentle, humorous way. Suddenly the little girl called out, “Daddy! He isn’t ugly at all. He’s just beautiful!” 🙂👇
petergec
6 months ago
.....or rigid principles... Two game-hunters were involved in a lawsuit against each other. One of them asked his lawyer if it wouldn’t be a good idea to send the judge a brace of partridges. The lawyer was horrified. “This judge prides himself on his incorruptibility,” he said. “A gesture like this will have just the opposite effect from the one you intend.” After the case was over-and won-the man invited his lawyer to dinner and thanked him for the advice concerning the partridges. “I did sen
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petergec
7 months ago
Instead of touching reality they respond to stereotypes... At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him pointed to the soup and asked, somewhat condescendingly, “Likee soupee?” The Chinese gentleman nodded eagerly. A little later, it was, “Likee fishee” and “Likee meatee’ and “Likee fruitee”-and always the response was an affable nod. At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speake
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petergec
7 months ago
...and programmed responses. A scientist had spent ten years researching the possibility of transforming water into petroleum. He was convinced that all he needed was one substance to effect the needed transformation but, try as he might, the formula eluded him. One day he learnt that high up in the mountains of Tibet there lived a Lama who was all-knowing and could reveal to him the formula he sought, There were three conditions, however: he had to travel there alone, and the journey was hazar
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petergec
7 months ago
Examine what they are pleased to call their free and responsible behaviour, and you are likely to find, not conscious action, but mechanical movement... It is said that when the Great Library of Alexandria was burnt down, only one book survived. It was a very ordinary book, dull and uninteresting so it was sold for a few pennies to a poor man who barely knew how to read. Now that book, dull and uninteresting as it seemed, was probably the most valuable book in the world for on the inside of the
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petergec
7 months ago
A young man blind from birth, fell in love with a girl. All went well until a friend told him the girl wasn’t too good looking. At that minute he lost all interest in her. Too bad! He had been “seeing” her very well. It was his friend who was blind! 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
What they love or hate is not the essence of things or persons but only their configuration. A young boy developed what could only be called a sandwich phobia. Any time he saw a sandwich he would tremble and scream with fear. His mother was so upset about this, she took him to a therapist who said, “The phobia is easily removed. Take the lad home and let him see you make a sandwich from beginning to end. This will dispel any silly notions he has about a sandwich and he’ll stop trembling and scr
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petergec
7 months ago
Two gentlemen of unsteady gait waited impatiently at the bus terminal late at night long after the buses had ceased to ply. A couple of hours passed before they realised, in their drunken stupor that the last bus had gone. Seeing several buses parked at the depot, they decided to borrow one and drive themselves home. To their disappointment, they couldn’t find the bus they wanted. “Can you believe it?” said one. “A hundred buses and not a single number 36 in the whole lot!” “Never mind!” said th
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petergec
7 months ago
The walls that imprison them are mental, not real. A bear paced up and down the twenty feet that was the length of his cage. When, after five years, the cage was removed, the bear continued to pace up and down those twenty feet as if the cage was there. It was. For him! 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
Their culture and their conditioning offer them an “elevator existence.” The impatient dowager pressed the elevator button and fumed because it did not appear at once. When it finally did, she snapped at the operator, “Where have you been?” “Lady, where can you go in an elevator?” 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
They see, not what is there but what they have been trained to see. Tommy had just got back from the beach. “Were there other children there?” asked his mother. “Yes,” said Tommy. “Boys or girls?” “How could I know? They didn’t have any clothes on.” 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
Pestilence was on its way to Damascus and sped by a chief’s caravan in the desert. “Where are you speeding to?” asked the chief. “To Damascus. I mean to take a thousand lives.” On its way back from Damascus, Pestilence passed by the caravan again. The chief said, “It was 50,000 lives that you took, not a 1,000.” “No,” said the Pestilence. “I took a thousand. It was Fear that took the rest.” 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
HUMAN NATURE Human beings react, not to reality, but to ideas in their heads... A group of tourists, stranded somewhere in the countryside, were given old rations to eat. Before eating the food they tested it by throwing some of it to a dog who seemed to enjoy it and suffered no after effects. The following day they learnt that the dog had died. Everyone was panic-stricken. Many began to vomit and complained of fever and dysentery. A doctor was called in to treat the victims for food poisonin
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petergec
7 months ago
There was once a very austere man who let no food or drink pass his lips while the sun was in the heavens. In what seemed to be a sign of heavenly approval for his austerities a bright star shone on top of a nearby mountain, visible to everyone in broad daylight, though no one knew what brought the star there. One day the man decided to climb the mountain. A little village girl insisted on going with him. The day was warm and soon the two were thirsty. He urged the child to drink but she said sh
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petergec
7 months ago
When Buddha first embarked upon his spiritual quest he practised many austerities. One day two musicians happened to pass by the tree under which he was sitting in meditation. One was saying to the other, “Do not tighten the strings of your sitar too much or they will snap. Do not keep them too loose either or they will produce no music. Keep to the middle path.” Those words hit Buddha with such force that they revolutionized his whole approach to spirituality. He was convinced they had been sai
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petergec
7 months ago
The devotee knelt to be initiated into discipleship. The guru whispered the sacred mantra into his ear, warning him not to reveal it to anyone. “What will happen if I do?” asked the devotee. Said the guru, “Anyone you reveal the mantra to will be liberated from the bondage of ignorance and suffering, but you yourself will be excluded from discipleship and suffer damnation.” No sooner had he heard those words than the devotee rushed to the marketplace, collected a large crowd around him and repea
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petergec
7 months ago
An old woman in China supported a monk for more than twenty years. She built him a little hut and fed him while he spent all his time in meditation. At the end of this period she wondered what progress the man had made, she decided to put him to the test by enlisting the help of a girl aflame with desire. “Go into the hut,” she told the girl,” and embrace him. Then say, ‘What shall we do now?’” The girl called on the monk at night to find him at his meditation. Without further ado she began to c
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petergec
7 months ago
Disciple: “What is the Tao?” Master: “Everything is Tao.” Disciple: “How can I get it?” Master: “If you try to get it, you will miss it.” No one is ever natural who tries to be natural; or tries not to try!
petergec
7 months ago
An American preacher in Beijing asked the waiter in a restaurant what Religion was for the Chinese. The waiter took him out to the balcony and asked, “What do you see, sir?” “I see a street and houses and people walking and buses and taxis plying.” “What else?” “Trees.” “What else?” “The wind is blowing.” The Chinese extended his arms and exclaimed, “That is Religion, sir!” . You’re searching for it the way someone searches for sight with open eyes! It Is too clear that it is hard to see. 🙂
petergec
7 months ago
A young man came to a Master and asked, “How long is it likely to take me to attain enlightenment?” Said the Master. “Ten years.” The young man was shocked. “So long?” he asked incredulously. Said the Master, “No, that was a mistake. It will take you twenty years.” The young man asked, “Why did you double the figure?” Said the Master, “Come to think of it, in your case it will probably be thirty.” Some people will never learn anything because they grasp everything too soon. Wisdom, after all, i
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petergec
7 months ago
A young business executive phoned his foreign representative one day and tersely announced: “I am calling to give, instructions. This call will last no more than three minutes. I shall speak and you are not to interrupt. Any comments or queries you have are to be cabled to me later.” With that he went on to deliver his message. His delivery was so rapid that he finished a little ahead of time. “We have twenty seconds left,” he told the man at the other end. “Have you anything to say?” “Yes,” cam
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petergec
7 months ago
A visitor to an insane asylum found one of the inmates rocking back and forth in a chair cooing repeatedly in a soft, contented manner, “Lulu, Lulu...” “What’s this man’s problem?” he asked the doctor. “Lulu. She was the woman who jilted him,” was the doctor’s reply. As they proceeded on the tour they came to a padded cell whose occupant was banging his head repeatedly against the wall and moaning, “Lulu, Lulu...” “Is Lulu this man’s problem too?” asked the visitor. “Yes,” said the doctor. “He’s
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